"It's okay, effort on someone that doesn't care is nothing but mere annoy"
"Stop thinking on every single shit that aren't suppose to revolve in your head"
"Get over it, grow up"
The last one, the most.
I noticed I've always been trying to protect myself,
by setting a "way of communication" on every single one that pass by or stay in my mind,
more or less like a backup plan,
so I won't fuck things up,
because of my insecurity.
I wasted so much time and energy,
trying to make people stay,
instead of trying to actually let people stay,
one of my biggest issue,
I supposed that it's called "insecure" in general,
I'm extremely afraid of the feeling of being cast out or abandon,
physically or emotionally,
I tend to put on millions maybe billions of possibility,
when someone did something as simple as "didn't wanted to answer my question",
"is he mad?"
"am I hated?"
"he's not gonna talk to me anymore"
"why the fuck do I always fuck up everything"
"I shouldn't have talked"
"I should just fucking shut my pathetic mouth up"
"I'm not supposed to be with him?"
"mm I asking for too much?"
"what should I do?"
"crap, it's gonna be the end"
Hella annoying,
yes,
I know,
everything similar to that flashing in my mind for like sonic jet speed.
I supposed I'm old enough to not care anymore,
apparently I'm just a failed adult when it comes to emotion management.
or handling situations,
but I cannot be rational when I'm trying to sort out my feelings,
everything seems so important,
I don't wanna lost any of them,
selfish and greedy it is.
I used to enjoy simple and clean melody instead,
but nowadays I've been opting for "noisier" things,
I supposed it's to find a place where I could hide,
to sort out my insecurity,
or simply to run away from what I'm afraid for awhile.
I'm not a philosopher,
and I got sick when someone tells me a whole chapter of philosophy,
but none of that reaches me,
it's nothing different with stuffing your own "rightful attitude" into someone else,
and says confidently "you should be okay by now, you're on the right track",
I don't like that.
Since very young age,
I've been a very close-up kind of person,
I don't usually reach out to people for a talk,
I don't usually reach out to people for help,
I don't usually reach out to people for consolation.
When I do,
it's a sign of I'm dying inside my heart,
and I'm sending S.O.S,
it's a "save me",
not "oh, hey, you should try to be like this instead".
I'm not the cool me that I used to be,
always standing on a 3rd person view,
even to my own emotions.
I wonder what changed me,
or rather who changed me.
I don't usually shed tears for no good reason,
in front of a people I ain't that close with,
I did and I wonder why.
I'm gonna be fine,
it's just like a periodic hit from emotion hammer,
or I would say it's a bomb this time,
I cared too much,
to a point that it's hurtful to even think of it.
Anyway it is,
I'm gonna be fine.
"It's gonna be fine, so do me"
I've been staying strong on the verge of crumble for all these years,
it's no big deal for more.
I have goals,
I have dreams,
I have chances,
but I don't have strength,
and I supposed it's something I should build,
instead of gain from someone or somewhere else.
-Fantasy.Lockheart-
Get over it, grow up.
