Forgiving a smile.

A smile,
a sinful smile,
stole everything away deep inside my heart.
I don't meant to be useless,
but I don't deserve any apologise.
There's nothing I did,
although I could,
but I can't.

It's so hard to believe,

I turn out to be nothing more than a piece of giant junk,

when everyone is becoming crucial in such important time.

Yes,

nothing more than a great lump of rubbish,

that's me.

I will not long for a safety zone,

neither will I seek for shelter.

However,

I'm just that helpless,

that hopeless,

where I can do nothing other than wishing to get helped.

I knew you are special.

Every single smile of you reflects my sin,

every single tear of you reflects my uselessness.

I'm not brave enough to even talk to you at such time,

to express my feeling.

I wanted to say "I'll be here with you, always will do",

especially when I sense the feeling of that helpless,

from you,

from the way you lie on the steering,

lightly pass on time with emotions.

Grieving.

Yet,

you're still worrying about me?

You don't know how hard I pray for you inside my heart,

yes, you, for you.

I rather the one that takes over these stress to be me,

straining myself,

in hope that it will not returns to you.

There's no way for me to escape,

I don't deserve an exit,

I don't worth an apology.

Tracing back,

will only make me loathe myself even more.

I kept silence,

because until now,

besides laying my fingers on the keyboard for this blogpost,

I have no right to say anything.

Fantasy . Lockheart

- I'm the one to say sorry, after all, I just wanted everything good for you -

只要可以让我再笑一次

到底是从什么时候开始
微笑变成了我的工具
欢笑变成了我的武器
掩饰所用的工具
欺骗所用的武器
别人眼中的“救世主”
看在我眼里犹如恶魔
我也不想要自己的世界只有灰白
只不过我看过太多
“现实”推翻“常理”的事情
我也无法继续相信自己的双眼

被她问了一个奇怪的问题

“你知道我的梦想是什么吗？”

我不知道

“我只是想一家人齐齐整整一起吃顿饭”

那么

继续让他作为一个梦想吧

我实在没有那个信心去答应你

你叫我去找女朋友

我也没有那个信心去答应你

我对亲情失去信赖

我对爱情没有憧憬

一切都是因为

发生在我身上

看在我的眼里

这些都只是对我造成伤害的根源

我不介意你要求我这些

要求我那些

不要强迫我

再次去相信我不想相信的事情

我没有那个勇气

你对他的世界充满希望

可是你也要知道

我对他的世界不感兴趣

对自己的世界也没有期望

我只是想这样

活下去就好

我没有志气

我没有梦想

我没有方向

可是我知道我自己要什么

我只想继续维持自己的信念

活下去

属于我的

我会紧紧的

用尽全力去抓住

不属于我的

我不会眷恋

也不会强求

真的

只要可以让我

真正的

开心的

愉快的

毫无掩饰的

再笑一次

就好

- Fantasy . Lockheart -

事实的谎言

实在是时候
睁开我的双眼
看清自己对事实撒下的谎言
没错
你说的没错
我就是二奶命
我就是没有考试运
可是最近的我开始怀疑
甚至在巴士上
疯狂展开联想
直到醒觉时候经已泪流满面
“不一定是努力就会有结果”
这个事实道理很简单
简单的很残酷
我还记得有人和我说过
如果你确认自己努力过
却没有成果
那么就只有两个原因
1. 努力错了
2. 努力也没有用的
如果是其1
那么我还有机会修补
可是种种的事实
都告诉我
我属于其2

渐渐地

周围的事物

周围的人

都让我认清我的无能

处处不如人

一无是处

真的是时候认清自己的无能

是时候放下对自己的期待

撇清对自己的自信

丢下对自己的憧憬

捏碎对自己的希望

我实在是没有办法做到

降低对自己的要求

一向来

对自己的要求就是我的需要

我的宗旨

虽然我没有方向感

可是我很清楚我要的是什么

我也很清楚

我只有靠自己

没有依赖

没有期待

我时常告诉别人

“不要放弃”

为什么同样的东西

我无法套用在自己身上

在我真的很累的时候

“不要放弃”

这个东西

比浮云还要轻

She's Lightning,

Claire Farron,

combination of 

elegance,

brave,

strength,

and beauty.

Keep on going,

keep my chin high,

even until I fall in the endless darkness,

catch and find my light.

-Fantasy . Lockheart-

Please give me a drug, that can let me gradually forget you.

My heart whispered your name

But these thoughts of mine didn't reach you

The look of my beloved is now too far,

With closed eyes, floating in the night sky

Even now, those calm days when we laughed together

Are still warm in my heart.

The first light in the blue night glows

And that day’s brightness shines

It’s not possible to wipe your tears

This is where my hands only trembled

Now taking an endless journey alone

Just wandering with these tired legs

Even now, those wet days we warmly spent together

are still warm in my hand.

The moon’s light just quietly shines

On this rusted heart which still beats

The moon’s light in the blue night glows

And that day’s brightness shines

That is,

when things happened too fast.

I couldn't catch up,

mentally,

physically.

Insomnia haunted me for more than 3 months,

every single night is a melody of Treno for me.
There's two small notes in my phone's wall,
always telling me that
"hey, bitch you better get started"
"If you don't want that shitty CGPA falls on you, go and fucking study."
As a Virgo,
this kind of "motivation" works super well,
but consequences behind this efficiency are just as heavy as I've expected.

From what I understand,

my insomnia have various reasons.

Tension in academic achievement is one,

stress of being a bitch is another one.

I knew,

just like what others have told me,

I have a choice,

but to be precise,

it should be "I had a choice, once upon a time."

There's no way for me to back up anymore.

At least for now it is.

Do you ever know,

every single time when u talk with such soft voice,

it trembles my heart,

my rationality is telling me that you doesn't mean anything,

but my heart is leading me to a trap that I can never escape.

Do you ever know,

how many times when I'm thinking of you,

and you just suddenly popped out and shocked the fxck out of me,

yes, I'm guilty,

because I'm not supposed to think that much about you.

Do you ever know,

there's once I called you by another person's name,

but deep inside my heart I know that the two of you are not the same.

Do you ever know,

every single night, 

I just feel like throw my arms to your shoulder and cry like a child.

Do you ever know,

that scent of fragrance stimulated my memories too much,

until I'm totally a blank paper in front of you.

Do you ever know,

every time I stay beside you, 

things happen like Deja Vu.

Do you ever know,

I wished for nothing,

but to stop this ridiculous feeling,

and let me just hug you once and throw away every single emotion of me.

Whenever I walk back to my room,

I'll just have a random feeling that these feet does not belongs to me.

I'm not moving upon my own will,

so I do.

I don't have a choice,

it's the path I chose,

and it's my responsibility to uphold it.

Yes, I'm at the edge of assault.

One mistake and I shall fall.

I'm going to drop off from Den's List if I am to continue such study attitude,

no matter what it takes to me,

I'll even slap myself as to make myself study.

But why..?

I just need a feeling of home,

if I failed,

I gain nothing,

but I doesn't lose anything,

because after all I'm now holding nothing,

nothing to starts off,

nothing to lose as well.

June’s lies   and the truth in front of my eyes   are put away in sepia tones

Nestling close to one another,   warmth;   I don’t understand those things anymore

“You’ll be fine on your own… right?”   you said, forcing it upon me   and then you said goodbye

If it’s going to be that kind of consolation   then I should be tired of hearing it by now

Endlessly ringing;   the merciless memories   seem to have no intention of  forgiving me

If i close my eyes   they will only grow   surrounding me at a distance   you laugh

Will the rain   ever stop, I wonder?   For a pretty long time now   it’s been cold

Why does the rain   choose me?   Why does it choose me   who has nowhere to escape to?

Time intrudes   on the new morning   I finally found

The direction I face   is not the future   I kept chasing after the past

You, who gave me   a new start by your consolations   and the hateful   and cowardly me

It’s about time…   Fumbling,  my troubles spill down   my tired cheeks

Eyes that don’t want to know the past   and fingers that can wash it all away

Scars heal at a gentle pace;   at an unreachable distance     that seems to be within reach

Will the rain   ever stop, I wonder?   For a pretty long time now   it’s been cold

Why does the rain   choose me?   I wonder if it’s ok to let it cover me

The rain   keeps on falling today as well   knowing no end

While we   quietly   nestle together under the umbrella I hold

Yeah, I'll be fine at my own.

But still, will the rain ever stop..?

Someone just tell me everything now is a lie.

It's tiring for me,

but I just can't stop myself from thinking all these stuff.

It took almost everything away from me,

just to get up here.

I shall not give up,

until every single vein of me is being cut.

As long as my heart is pumping,

though I might just be a toy for you,

but it's my feeling,

my heart.

Oh, well and some random stuff happened this week.

The highlight of this week is that,

when I shout like crazy and did marathon in the middle of the road.

"One does not simply scream like a bitch on the street crowded with people, I do."

The story sounds like this,

once upon a time,

a little boy called ken min,

his only weakness is an animal with 8 legs - spider.

For God-damn reason, 

there's a freaking huge spider resting beside the road I usually take to reach my campus.

Normally, I'll just increase my sense of dangerous and kept my distance with that creature and done.

However, one day,

when le me walk together with le friends happily,

I still didn't forget to glaze at that creature,

so that I can never harm me,

but suddenly....

IT DROPPED OFF FROM IT'S SPIDER WEB AND MOVE TOWARDS THE CENTER OF THE STREET

"RUN FOR YOUR LIFE" << this thing appeared in my mind at the next moment,

and yes.. I ran like a bitch together with high pitched scream in front of tons of passengers that are using that route at that time.

- -

I'm now here,

waiting for something that is not going to happen,

how long would I still be here,

I don't know..

If I have a choice,

I'll not be here at the first place,

promises are made to be broken,

my heart is meant to be taken for granted.

I thought if I could just make myself tired to the max every day,

I'll fall asleep easily and I would not need to suffer by thinking of you.

I'm wrong,

it only makes me even more tired.

My heart is numbed,

so as my mind.

I couldn't differentiate what is wrong, what is right,

which should be appropriate, which should not be.

Decisions must be made all the time,

but I'm now so lost,

that I would forget what I did few minutes ago,

just like that,

vanished.

If my memories and my scars,

would just vanish like that.

It'll be perfect.

I'm afraid,

I really am,

I'm afraid of compete,

I'm afraid of oblivious,

I'm afraid of perfection,

I'm afraid of night,

I'm afraid of the mirror,

I'm afraid of facing myself.

Please just let me put an end to all these,

by forgiving,

not forgetting.

every Christmas meant a lot to me

Say hi to my university logo

Now,

this moment,

I'm still thinking of you.

Please,

save me.

- Fantasy . Lockheart -

sibeh long didn't update my blog edi LOL

折断的双翼, 毫无意义.

君の名前　心でつぶやいた

この僕の想いは　そこに届かないのに

今は遠い　愛しい面影が

この夜空に浮かぶ　瞳閉じても

ともに笑えてた　穏やかな日々が

心に　今も暖かく

月の明り　青い夜に光る

あの日々の輝き　照らし出すよに

君の涙　ぬぐうこともできず

この僕の両手は　ここで震えてるだけ

今は一人　終わりのない旅路

疲れたこの足で　さまようばかり

ともに過ごした日　触れた温もりが

この手に　今も暖かく

月の明り　ただ静かに照らす

錆びついたこの胸　かき乱すよに

月の明り　青い夜に光る

あの日々の輝き　照らし出すよに

2013年过去了,

以最适合我的方式过去,

在热闹人群中的寂静.

回首去年,

发生过的事情很多,

值得怀念的事情不少,

并没有刻骨铭心,

也没有轰轰烈烈,

留下来的依旧是无边的冷清,

不停的徘徊,

无限的回转.

我曾经说过我为自己量身订做了一个战场,

属于我自己本身的战场,

战场上没有美丽没有丑恶,

没有胜利没有败北,

没有伟大没有渺小,

有的只有存活和取决.

一点都没有改变,

至少我自己还是一样,

依然希望,

会有一个人,

把我从这理想的战场中拉出来.

胜利的高峰不是我的舞台,

王者的宝座不是我的期待.

一直以来都是这样.

我从来没有否认过我的敏感,

"你想太多了"我也听厌了,

我是在了解自己的前提下,

思想.

我不否认我的确想的很多,

是基于我成长的过程,

生存的条件,

就是这样.

我对所有的一切都分外的顾虑,

一个名字,

一个称呼,

一个动作,

一个微笑,

一句话,

足以摧毁我的一切.

承认软弱的这一份坚强,

承认天真的这一份温柔.

你的温柔,

对我来说是10倍的残酷.

也是我自己的命运中诞生的一种绝望,

就算燃尽双翼也要前进的绝望.

12月对我来说,

就是讽刺.

冬至, 圣诞.

应该是团圆和欢庆的两大季节,

至少对别人来说是这样没错.

对我来说,

就是添上一双折断的翅膀.

除了痛苦的无奈,

毫无意义.

我真的尽力了,

我投入,

我尽力的投入,

甚至为自己制造情绪.

吵着想吃汤圆,

吞进去的只是一颗一颗的回忆,

悔恨,

痛苦.

我没有拒绝朋友的邀请,

出席圣诞节庆祝活动,

就算是在房间里崩溃了一整天,

我还是收拾心情,

是我功夫不够,

我没办法完美的掩饰.

3年了,

3年确确实实的过去了,

在我心里的刮痕却没有消失的迹象,

一点都不打算逝去.

沉重的回忆,

挤满在那12月,

别人不刻意的几个动作,

几句话,

悄悄的撕裂我那份回忆的保护层.

被问到"你怎么了"的瞬间,

我的保护墙,

完全的被瓦解,

涌出来的情绪,

瞬间让我的精神状态崩溃.

如果你们,

或者你们之中的谁,

看见了,

我想跟你们说,

对不起.

我的精神世界,

我没有办法让你理解,

就把我当作一个无可救药的疯子,

就好了.

我没有要求的权利,

没有退路,

没有原谅.

我没有办法忍受,

尤其是在人群中的寂寞,

欢笑中的哭泣,

聚会中的冷清,

喜庆中的悲剧.

我不是一个勇敢的人,

我没有梦想,

没有希望.

留在我心里的,

只有理想,

和期望.

我并不是有意,

当个孤高的战士,

只不过是在我背后的责任,

我没有办法御下.

我的痛苦,

我的无奈,

我的挣扎,

就像是跨越时空的光波,

存在于另外一个层次,

我没有办法把他们立体化,

没有权利把他们瓦解.

空虚..?

不是的,

是一开始,

就并不存在任何可以被填满的容器.

这样的我,

应该被称作为,

虚无.

I am to make a wish,

as if I'm still granted the right to do so.

Let me be,

crave for warmth,

struggling in shadow.

Please do not,

unveil anything,

I have nothing left.

I planned myself,

even my emotion.

I've perfectly made myself plenty of "me",

none of them last.

I've been dealing with too much,

until I blurred the path to return.

There's no home,

nothing left.

Maybe I just,

never meant to belong.

Memories flooded my heart,

flushed out everything else.

I ain't gonna stay rational,

but at the same time,

I'm not yet there to give up.

I'm the one started up the war,

I'll not be the one standing up holding victory,

but I'll also not be the one bowing down crushing my own army.

I'm to make a wish,

let me uphold my path of perfection.

I sustained on chasing over it,

I enjoy the process.

At the same time,

perfection meant nothing to me,

nothing.

Perfection is just nothing left.

Just like oblivion.

Sign myself a contract,

never get hold by any promise.

The Christmas just passed,

yet another Christmas will still come.

I cannot be sure,

that I wouldn't screw up the upcoming one anymore.

I'm grateful,

I still have the right to be "myself",

I don't care whether it's a lie,

it's fine,

I have nothing left,

anymore.

-Fantasy.Lockheart-

Happy New Year everyone =)

特权

对我来说
喜欢就是一种特权
一种我不能够拥有的特权
我不知道怎么去喜欢
我害怕
我退缩
我无法了解
我也无法了解
为什么会有人
曾经为了喜欢
利用了我
彻底的搞垮了我的情绪
还可以
毫不在乎的
继续对我的残忍的温柔

对我来说

当我因为别人而感到幸福的时候

多少的幸福

就换来多少的恐惧

相等的罪恶

真心的觉得自己

可悲

想走出你控制的领域

却走近你安排的战局

我没有坚强的防备

也没有后路可以退

想逃离你布下的陷阱

却陷入了另一个困境

我没有决定输赢的勇气

也没有逃脱的幸运

我像是一颗棋

进退任由你决定

我不是你眼中唯一将领

却是不起眼的小兵

我像是一颗棋子

来去全不由自己

举手无回你从不曾犹豫

我却受控- 在你手里

- Fantasy . Lockheart -

Tired

Am Tired,
mentally,
physically.

It's been a long time already,

since I've written my last blog post.

I've drafted some,

but posted nothing.

Partly because I didn't want to spoil my own blog with effortless random posts,

also because nothing inspires me to write more.

Partly also because the genius Wi-Fi connection in this hostel,

is just genius.

Every single lecturer asking us to access online e-learning portal to download notes and etc.

while the speed of the given Wi-Fi in this hostel is just..... *round of applause please*

I noticed myself being changed,

quite a lot.

Mentally,

physically.

I couldn't really tell what is changing,

yet I knew something did changed.

I feel it,

by observing myself,

observing how people around me judges me.

I told myself,

as being a "non-typical guy",

I shall always be prepared to get judged,

and Yes I did.

I'm prepared,

but No I don't,

I'm not what you expect I should be.

That's something special about me,

I have great control of my own emotion,

I hypnotize my mind greater than anyone could do to me,

I trick myself into following my path of thinking,

and I do creates my own emotion,

sometimes I even artificially creates "feelings",

and yes,

this is crazy.

Though I have such great control over myself,

I just could never completely lie to myself,

I can't prevent myself from thinking too much.

I've been tired,

tired of thinking everything like a round coin,

figured everything with no angle.

I refuse to lie,

I refuse to have great dreams,

I refuse to envy,

I refuse to motivate,

I refuse to trust,

I refuse to rely.

To all this extent, am I still considered as a "Typical" guy?

No

I have nothing that should be ticked in a check-list of a standard qualified guy,

Yes I knew it,

but I can't hypnotize myself to forget it.

I'm sorry that I'm not,

but this is the way I promised myself to live on,

so I just can't.

I realized my own change,

due to the great environment change,

dramatically.

People around me is so much different with I used to be,

I couldn't carry on with my own set of boundaries.

I've done so much I think I wouldn't,

I've did something I wouldn't even gave credit to,

why would I?

Am I just being desperate.......

to be accepted not as an alternative,

but as myself..?

I couldn't forgive myself,

If I was to go any further than this.

No more,

please.

Don't let me rise the flag of war,

I didn't want to declare any here,

because I'm tired.

Maybe sometimes,

I did hoped myself to be typical.

However,

it's me myself that chose to resist,

resist being such,

because I've been through,

all these great sadness,

where I couldn't bare myself to did any of it again,

of all course.

I'm disappointed,

so disappointed,

of all these types.

Thus, I would never allow,

never allow myself to fall into any of these,

never will.

Everyone has their great story "behind" them,

I'm not sure they're happy or proud of it or not.

I am.

I'm glad that everything like these happened to me,

at the same time I wish I was not chosen to been through all this,

just maybe I was not, 

I will just be someone that a "someone" should be.

I know that you're hiding things 

Using gentle words to shelter me

Your words were like a dream

But dreams could never fool me

Not that easily

I acted so distant then

Didn't say goodbye before you left

But I was listening

You'll fight your battles far from me

Far too easily

"Save your tears 'cause I'll come back"

I could hear that you whispered as you walked through that door

But still I swore to hide the pain when I turn back the pages

Shouting might have been the answer

What if I'd cried my eyes out and begged you not to depart?

But now I'm not afraid to say what's in my heart

Though a thousand words

Have never been spoken

They'll fly to you

Crossing over the time and distance holding you

Suspended on silver wings

And a thousand words

One thousand confessions

Will cradle you

Making all of the pain you feel seem far away 

They'll hold you forever

The dream isn't over yet

Though I often say I can forget

I still relive that day

You've been there with me all the way

I still hear you say

"Wait for me, I’ll write you letters"

I could see how you stammered with your eyes to the floor

But still I swore to hide the doubt when I turn back the pages

Anger might have been the answer

What if I'd hung my head and said that I couldn't wait?

But now I'm strong enough to know it's not too late

'Cause a thousand words

Call out through the ages

They'll fly to you

Even though I can't see, I know they're reaching you

Suspended on silver wings

Oh, a thousand words

One thousand embraces

Will cradle you

Making all of your weary days seem far away

They'll hold you forever

Oh, a thousand words

Have never been spoken

They'll fly to you

They'll carry you home and back into my arms

Suspended on silver wings

And a thousand words

Call out through the ages

They'll cradle you

Turning all of the lonely years to only days

They'll hold you forever

A Thousand Words

Welcome back Ken Min,

-Fantasy.Lockheart-