every single night is a melody of Treno for me.
There's two small notes in my phone's wall,
always telling me that
"hey, bitch you better get started"
"If you don't want that shitty CGPA falls on you, go and fucking study."
As a Virgo,
this kind of "motivation" works super well,
but consequences behind this efficiency are just as heavy as I've expected.
From what I understand,
my insomnia have various reasons.
Tension in academic achievement is one,
stress of being a bitch is another one.
I knew,
just like what others have told me,
I have a choice,
but to be precise,
it should be "I had a choice, once upon a time."
There's no way for me to back up anymore.
At least for now it is.
Do you ever know,
every single time when u talk with such soft voice,
it trembles my heart,
my rationality is telling me that you doesn't mean anything,
but my heart is leading me to a trap that I can never escape.
Do you ever know,
how many times when I'm thinking of you,
and you just suddenly popped out and shocked the fxck out of me,
yes, I'm guilty,
because I'm not supposed to think that much about you.
Do you ever know,
there's once I called you by another person's name,
but deep inside my heart I know that the two of you are not the same.
Do you ever know,
every single night,
I just feel like throw my arms to your shoulder and cry like a child.
Do you ever know,
that scent of fragrance stimulated my memories too much,
until I'm totally a blank paper in front of you.
Do you ever know,
every time I stay beside you,
things happen like Deja Vu.
Do you ever know,
I wished for nothing,
but to stop this ridiculous feeling,
and let me just hug you once and throw away every single emotion of me.
Whenever I walk back to my room,
I'll just have a random feeling that these feet does not belongs to me.
I'm not moving upon my own will,
so I do.
I don't have a choice,
it's the path I chose,
and it's my responsibility to uphold it.
Yes, I'm at the edge of assault.
One mistake and I shall fall.
I'm going to drop off from Den's List if I am to continue such study attitude,
no matter what it takes to me,
I'll even slap myself as to make myself study.
But why..?
I just need a feeling of home,
if I failed,
I gain nothing,
but I doesn't lose anything,
because after all I'm now holding nothing,
nothing to starts off,
nothing to lose as well.
June’s lies and the truth in front of my eyes are put away in sepia tones
Nestling close to one another, warmth; I don’t understand those things anymore
“You’ll be fine on your own… right?” you said, forcing it upon me and then you said goodbye
If it’s going to be that kind of consolation then I should be tired of hearing it by now
Endlessly ringing; the merciless memories seem to have no intention of forgiving me
If i close my eyes they will only grow surrounding me at a distance you laugh
Will the rain ever stop, I wonder? For a pretty long time now it’s been cold
Why does the rain choose me? Why does it choose me who has nowhere to escape to?
Time intrudes on the new morning I finally found
The direction I face is not the future I kept chasing after the past
You, who gave me a new start by your consolations and the hateful and cowardly me
It’s about time… Fumbling, my troubles spill down my tired cheeks
Eyes that don’t want to know the past and fingers that can wash it all away
Scars heal at a gentle pace; at an unreachable distance that seems to be within reach
Will the rain ever stop, I wonder? For a pretty long time now it’s been cold
Why does the rain choose me? I wonder if it’s ok to let it cover me
The rain keeps on falling today as well knowing no end
While we quietly nestle together under the umbrella I hold
Yeah, I'll be fine at my own.
But still, will the rain ever stop..?
Someone just tell me everything now is a lie.
It's tiring for me,
but I just can't stop myself from thinking all these stuff.
It took almost everything away from me,
just to get up here.
I shall not give up,
until every single vein of me is being cut.
As long as my heart is pumping,
though I might just be a toy for you,
but it's my feeling,
my heart.
Oh, well and some random stuff happened this week.
The highlight of this week is that,
when I shout like crazy and did marathon in the middle of the road.
"One does not simply scream like a bitch on the street crowded with people, I do."
The story sounds like this,
once upon a time,
a little boy called ken min,
his only weakness is an animal with 8 legs - spider.
For God-damn reason,
there's a freaking huge spider resting beside the road I usually take to reach my campus.
Normally, I'll just increase my sense of dangerous and kept my distance with that creature and done.
However, one day,
when le me walk together with le friends happily,
I still didn't forget to glaze at that creature,
so that I can never harm me,
but suddenly....
IT DROPPED OFF FROM IT'S SPIDER WEB AND MOVE TOWARDS THE CENTER OF THE STREET
"RUN FOR YOUR LIFE" << this thing appeared in my mind at the next moment,
and yes.. I ran like a bitch together with high pitched scream in front of tons of passengers that are using that route at that time.
- -
I'm now here,
waiting for something that is not going to happen,
how long would I still be here,
I don't know..
If I have a choice,
I'll not be here at the first place,
promises are made to be broken,
my heart is meant to be taken for granted.
I thought if I could just make myself tired to the max every day,
I'll fall asleep easily and I would not need to suffer by thinking of you.
I'm wrong,
it only makes me even more tired.
My heart is numbed,
so as my mind.
I couldn't differentiate what is wrong, what is right,
which should be appropriate, which should not be.
Decisions must be made all the time,
but I'm now so lost,
that I would forget what I did few minutes ago,
just like that,
vanished.
If my memories and my scars,
would just vanish like that.
It'll be perfect.
I'm afraid,
I really am,
I'm afraid of compete,
I'm afraid of oblivious,
I'm afraid of perfection,
I'm afraid of night,
I'm afraid of the mirror,
I'm afraid of facing myself.
Please just let me put an end to all these,
by forgiving,
not forgetting.
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| every Christmas meant a lot to me |
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| Say hi to my university logo |
Now,
this moment,
I'm still thinking of you.
Please,
save me.
- Fantasy . Lockheart -
sibeh long didn't update my blog edi LOL
