Unguarded Future

Will never get tired of Final Fantasy soundtrack,
especially the pure piano ones,
they're just too beautiful.
Once again,
I'm back to this,
Final Fantasy XIII-2 Lightning's Theme ~Unguarded Future~,
this piece of piano soundtrack,
perfectly conveys the message of the story,
portrays the anxiety of Lightning,
and notice near ending of the music,
there's a blend of Serah's theme into it,
showing Lightning's endless love and care to her sister.
The anxiety,
frustration of couldn't save my own family,
the emotions,
the fear,
the sorrow,
the responsibility,
the struggle,
it's the same,

as me.
Can I give a "bro-fist" to Lightning (Claire Farron),
and says "I feel you"?
LOL

Instead of escaping from the responsibilities,

or die immersing in guiltiness,

Lightning chose to stand up and keep fighting,

for every reason she can find,

which fits in the character that Square wanted to give to Lightning,

"勇気"

Courage.

I'm indeed inspired by the courage she had shown,

but can I have the same courage to face all the upcoming uncertainties and challenges?

I doubt it.

I have near to zero confident to my own ability in

handling tough situations,

and remaining calm in great anxiety.
Tomorrow will be my product presentation,
although I didn't put much effort and expectation in it,
I can still feel the stress,
hence the anxiety.

Another messy last minute works, within 2 hours

I still have many things that I wanted to blog about,

but at the moment,

I'm tired as fuck,

it's 04:03AM now,

and tomorrow's presentation will be around 9AM,

and I have to setup everything at 8AM.

Good luck to myself,

stay strong ken min. 

Fantasy.Lockheart

-tired as fuck-

Trying to be organised

I believe everyone is trying to be organised,
either in handling task,
or in distributing their time,
so do I.
I have to say that I'm really bad in setting priorities,
I've always miss out what's the most important one,
and ended up messing everything crucial in the end.
For instance, my dear thesis.



I have to be frank,
that this thesis is pretty a compilation of mass "last-minute-works",
there's nothing fine and to be proud of in this entire thesis.
Although, the laboratory works turn out to be ok-ish smooth,
so do the end results.
But in the end,
I'm not even confident about my own finding,
does it really matters?
Sadly,
there's no time for me to feel insecure and uncertain,
VIVA will be on 6th June 2016,
que sera sera.

After printing out the final thesis draft,

it's really a great relief,

though the relief doesn't even last for more than 10 minutes.

I've to worry about my hostel application during internship,

I've to worry about my hostel application future for my post-grad studies,

I've to worry about how to get scholarship for my post-grad studies,

I've to worry about a lot of financial issues,

I've to worry about the upcoming "pertandingan inovasi",

which is another mass compilation of my messy last minute works,

I'm grateful though with my friend's help in designing the logos for my product.

By Mr.Tyrone

By Ms.Riku

By Ms.Nekko

By Mr.Mantis

From random website logo generator and this logo doesn't belongs to me.

The overall concept of my product is interesting,

converting fish bones from food industry waste into useful materials for waste treatment.

However,

how far can I carry on with the explanation,

the concept,

also the real work,

is another issue.

Gambateh ken min.

Graduation is really not far away,

reflecting what I've gone through in this three years of degree studies,

I've gain a lot,

I've lost a lot,

grown smarter somewhere,

get dumb-er somewhere,

well I'm a Virgo after all,

a sick perfectionist,

simply thinking of what I couldn't recall in previous studies,

already irritates me like hell.

I still have a long way to go,

I still have so much to recall,

also too much to learn.

Now I understand,

why do the post-grad students tend to forget about a few basic chemistry concept,

because you're too busy and concentrate with your current work,

that you might somehow make mistake in the most simple theory.

Grow up ken min,

there's nothing as perfect,

only someone chasing perfection,

and looking up to people that are a little nearer to perfection you imaged.

Fantasy.Lockheart

-always wanted to be organised and good in setting priorities-

度过

再一次问自己

凭什么那么自私

明知道对方心软

直搞黄龙

对这样阴险的自己

素手无策

倍感恶心

醒来吧

就算这副身躯粉碎

这颗心灵坠毁

你还是你

必须对自己负责的你

不要妄想别人对你

做些什么

拯救你的世界

英雄什么的

我活在童话里吗？ 

我曾经也有过很大的期望

也有过梦想

可是都逐一丢弃了

因为我判定

没有用处的这些负担

只会让自己无意义的觉得世界很有希望

开心

享受

伤心

绝望

永远存在着矛盾

不会平衡

无法控制

就算如此

我还是需要笑容

需要感谢

需要思考

需要感情

痛苦着

寂寞着

我也想热烈地跟某个知心朋友

热烈的吵架

吵架完后吵着和好

对渴望这些的自己

觉得无药可救

每一天我都提醒自己

要心怀感激

感谢在我身边

把我当做普通人看待的

每一个人

不把我当成害虫的每一个人

心存感激

我也许

太过幸福

就开始奢求

这样的自己

真的很惹人厌

很恶心

现在这一瞬间

真的很想开个空间

躲进去

不见任何人

不说任何话

慢慢在烦嚣的人群中

孤独的逝去

海市蜃楼

乍看之下

就如现实

谁又会去否定自己渴望的幻想？

Fantasy.Lockheart

My price, my worthiness

Oblivion

Human tells lies easily,

I'm a human too,

I tells lies easily too.

I even lie to myself,

Making myself looks like an idiot,

Dancing in the world of others expectation,

Waltzing around in the cliff of despair.

I'm too naive,

Indulging myself in my surroundings,

Assuming myself is well accepted as an individual,

Pressuming myself has a slot in the crowd.

But in fact I don't.

The more memories I tried to left behind,

The more i shed my tears.

I'm not that weak that I couldn't stand staying all by myself.

However, I'm also not strong enough yo break my own fantasy that I'm involved in everything but I actually do not.

The more I feel lonely, the more I feel empty, 

The more I hate myself.

I can't even convince myself that I'm worthy enough to stay in any place.

I'm learning,

To stay confortable whenever I'm in a crowd, alone with sorrowness attaching to me.

Keep for myself, everything I was about to do, assuming that I'm part of everyone.

呐喊

想要呐喊的这感觉

真没出息

解决不了任何问题

也不会感觉好一些

单纯想让别人听见

让别人觉得自己可悲

无药可救

我也曾经相信过

自己有被重视的权利

自己一个在误会些什么

自己一个人开心些什么

然后自己一个人失落些什么

没出息

难道我单纯的想

混进人群

显得不那么可悲

不那么寂寞

也错了吗？

黑暗中的一点光？

开玩笑

自己开手电筒

实在多了

有这种想法的我

已经可悲到无可救药

明明就像是个趴在地上呐喊着救命的人

装作一副救世主的样子

滑稽

想讨好每一个人？

恶心

恶心到我想就此死去的程度

恶心

救救我

好吗

无助与无能

无助与无能多我来说

差别不大

无助就是无能

无能不一定无助

就是这种感觉

正好我是前者

因为无能所以无助

看着卧病在床的妈妈

我除了瞎担心

看着

拿药

端水

之外的事情

我什么都做不到

我痛恨无能

怨恨无助

虽然不是第一次

可是每次发生这种事情的时候

我觉得每一分每一刻

自己的心脏都像是要掉出来了一样

神，我不要别的

虽然不曾对你祈祷过什么

很过分的要求你

把开心健康的妈妈还给我

你要什么我给你就是

我明白那种头晕不能动的感受

正是因为明白

心更痛

妈妈年纪大了

没有必要承受这种痛

这种难受

空评无用

努力的找了药

我尽力

但是我依旧无能

仍然无助

只能在这里做白痴

傻傻的祈祷

吃了药快点好起来

求求你

-FantasyLockheart-

心酸

，半夜睡不着，

也觉得胃酸酸的，

才发现好像晚餐其实没吃饱，

爬了起来，

静静地溜进厨房，

抓了片面包来啃。

啃着，

坐在床上，

甩着双脚，

阵阵的心酸涌上头来。

我不在的时候，

爸爸妈妈可有餐餐温饱？

我不在的时候，

爸爸妈妈吃的可曾够味？

我不在的时候，

爸爸妈妈白发有增无减。

可是每次妈妈打电话来，

从来不忘叮咛我要吃好，

我吃好了，

可你呢？

只能痛恨自己无能，

怨恨自己任性，

没有人会纵容我，

我也不奢望别人了解我，

可是我又真的有尽我所能？

说实在我没有，

我确实可以不到倒下不罢休，

可是我自私，

我偷懒，

可是我可曾想过，

爸爸妈妈比我还难过？

但是心酸，

又有何用，

什么我都必须尽力，

我早就理解了这个道理，

我没有选择的权利，

没有奢华的资格，

可我任性，

知道我会被纵容，

所以任性。

是时候长大了，

三言两语代表不了什么，

尽力吧，

你没有选择。

我一定会分秒叮咛着我自己，

我没有奢华的权利，

没有悠闲的余力。

-FantasyLockheart-