特权

对我来说
喜欢就是一种特权
一种我不能够拥有的特权
我不知道怎么去喜欢
我害怕
我退缩
我无法了解
我也无法了解
为什么会有人
曾经为了喜欢
利用了我
彻底的搞垮了我的情绪
还可以
毫不在乎的
继续对我的残忍的温柔

对我来说

当我因为别人而感到幸福的时候

多少的幸福

就换来多少的恐惧

相等的罪恶

真心的觉得自己

可悲

想走出你控制的领域

却走近你安排的战局

我没有坚强的防备

也没有后路可以退

想逃离你布下的陷阱

却陷入了另一个困境

我没有决定输赢的勇气

也没有逃脱的幸运

我像是一颗棋

进退任由你决定

我不是你眼中唯一将领

却是不起眼的小兵

我像是一颗棋子

来去全不由自己

举手无回你从不曾犹豫

我却受控- 在你手里

- Fantasy . Lockheart -

Tired

Am Tired,
mentally,
physically.

It's been a long time already,

since I've written my last blog post.

I've drafted some,

but posted nothing.

Partly because I didn't want to spoil my own blog with effortless random posts,

also because nothing inspires me to write more.

Partly also because the genius Wi-Fi connection in this hostel,

is just genius.

Every single lecturer asking us to access online e-learning portal to download notes and etc.

while the speed of the given Wi-Fi in this hostel is just..... *round of applause please*

I noticed myself being changed,

quite a lot.

Mentally,

physically.

I couldn't really tell what is changing,

yet I knew something did changed.

I feel it,

by observing myself,

observing how people around me judges me.

I told myself,

as being a "non-typical guy",

I shall always be prepared to get judged,

and Yes I did.

I'm prepared,

but No I don't,

I'm not what you expect I should be.

That's something special about me,

I have great control of my own emotion,

I hypnotize my mind greater than anyone could do to me,

I trick myself into following my path of thinking,

and I do creates my own emotion,

sometimes I even artificially creates "feelings",

and yes,

this is crazy.

Though I have such great control over myself,

I just could never completely lie to myself,

I can't prevent myself from thinking too much.

I've been tired,

tired of thinking everything like a round coin,

figured everything with no angle.

I refuse to lie,

I refuse to have great dreams,

I refuse to envy,

I refuse to motivate,

I refuse to trust,

I refuse to rely.

To all this extent, am I still considered as a "Typical" guy?

No

I have nothing that should be ticked in a check-list of a standard qualified guy,

Yes I knew it,

but I can't hypnotize myself to forget it.

I'm sorry that I'm not,

but this is the way I promised myself to live on,

so I just can't.

I realized my own change,

due to the great environment change,

dramatically.

People around me is so much different with I used to be,

I couldn't carry on with my own set of boundaries.

I've done so much I think I wouldn't,

I've did something I wouldn't even gave credit to,

why would I?

Am I just being desperate.......

to be accepted not as an alternative,

but as myself..?

I couldn't forgive myself,

If I was to go any further than this.

No more,

please.

Don't let me rise the flag of war,

I didn't want to declare any here,

because I'm tired.

Maybe sometimes,

I did hoped myself to be typical.

However,

it's me myself that chose to resist,

resist being such,

because I've been through,

all these great sadness,

where I couldn't bare myself to did any of it again,

of all course.

I'm disappointed,

so disappointed,

of all these types.

Thus, I would never allow,

never allow myself to fall into any of these,

never will.

Everyone has their great story "behind" them,

I'm not sure they're happy or proud of it or not.

I am.

I'm glad that everything like these happened to me,

at the same time I wish I was not chosen to been through all this,

just maybe I was not, 

I will just be someone that a "someone" should be.

I know that you're hiding things 

Using gentle words to shelter me

Your words were like a dream

But dreams could never fool me

Not that easily

I acted so distant then

Didn't say goodbye before you left

But I was listening

You'll fight your battles far from me

Far too easily

"Save your tears 'cause I'll come back"

I could hear that you whispered as you walked through that door

But still I swore to hide the pain when I turn back the pages

Shouting might have been the answer

What if I'd cried my eyes out and begged you not to depart?

But now I'm not afraid to say what's in my heart

Though a thousand words

Have never been spoken

They'll fly to you

Crossing over the time and distance holding you

Suspended on silver wings

And a thousand words

One thousand confessions

Will cradle you

Making all of the pain you feel seem far away 

They'll hold you forever

The dream isn't over yet

Though I often say I can forget

I still relive that day

You've been there with me all the way

I still hear you say

"Wait for me, I’ll write you letters"

I could see how you stammered with your eyes to the floor

But still I swore to hide the doubt when I turn back the pages

Anger might have been the answer

What if I'd hung my head and said that I couldn't wait?

But now I'm strong enough to know it's not too late

'Cause a thousand words

Call out through the ages

They'll fly to you

Even though I can't see, I know they're reaching you

Suspended on silver wings

Oh, a thousand words

One thousand embraces

Will cradle you

Making all of your weary days seem far away

They'll hold you forever

Oh, a thousand words

Have never been spoken

They'll fly to you

They'll carry you home and back into my arms

Suspended on silver wings

And a thousand words

Call out through the ages

They'll cradle you

Turning all of the lonely years to only days

They'll hold you forever

A Thousand Words

Welcome back Ken Min,

-Fantasy.Lockheart-

Kawai xI Idea

Was planning to produce a blog post for days,
but couldn't come out with a good idea.
Everything happened too fast,
assignments, homework, studies and etc.

It's already the 3rd week I started my university life,

everyday is packed,

class class class class wash clothes class class class eat sleep.

However, I've slowly get used to this kind of living pattern,

and get closer to my course mates as well.

We share ideas, study, and sometimes eat together,

giving me a feel of living in a group.

For me is actually a very special and new feeling,

where I suppose to be uncomfortable with group living,

but I'm getting used and kinda feel satisfied with it.

Seriously,

what happened to me.

There's something my Analytic Chemistry lecturer said that impacts my heart,

"You all are young scientists, be creative and innovative".

Indeed, so many people gave a sense of "boring" or "complicated" to the studies of pure science, 

especially Chemistry.

I found it rather interesting and I tends to be creative when I have limited sources.

However, I need a greater and stronger foundation to discover more and to be innovative.

I'm actually glad that I got Pure Chemistry,

something that I'll definitely fight for.

There's some complicated feelings here in hostel,

I don't really hate it like I did 2 weeks ago,

and felt safe and familiar with this room.

Talking with Melvin till midnight,

laugh together,

sing together,

would it be something I lost long time ago and I got it back in this way?

God knows.

Tha'Nera Telezia

- Fantasy . Lockheart -

Wish you all the best of luck my friends,

to those friends that shattered apart, 

I miss you all.

Also to those friends that stay at KL,

I miss you all.

Rekri'Ato Meh

Guilty.

It's not the first time having this kind of feeling,
but this time it's much more intense than what I had before.
It's guiltiness,
strong and intense guiltiness.

I'm shouting how suffer I am,

but I forgot I'm the one that chose to came over.

I'm shouting how hard to survive,

but I forgot who goes through situations that are at least 10 times harder than I'm facing now.

I'm anxious because of no entertainment,

but I forgot who are the people that worrying me even trying their best to provide me such luxurious request of having entertainment here in the campus.

I'm guilty,

I shouldn't ask for so much.

Unconsciously,

I did,

again and again.

Why I never learn?

Why can't I just keep on track and don't ask for so much?

Stop complaining already, me.

They don't deserve to suffer much more than I do.

Don't only think about me,

please be selfish also sometimes,

think more about yourself rather than about me.

A simple message from me,

"Mommy, my money going to finish soon",

and very soon there's increase in amount of my bank account,

it's not great amount,

but enough for me to be happy, 

yet guilty.

I can imagine how tough they squeeze out that amount of money,

why can't I be more considerate and try to spend less?

Without a word,

they prepared what I desired.

Without a move,

they bought things I didn't expect.

Daddy,

Mommy,

Thank you for being so good to me.

Thank You is nothing but just a phrase,

everything you did are nicely kept inside my heart.

Maybe it's a small afford,

but I'll build up my very own small affords,

slowly and steadily,

do what I should do,

realise what I promised.

I Love You.

- Fantasy . Lockheart -

I never feel myself being privileged,

but now I think I am,

to have such awesome parents.

理性与感性, 平衡

突然发现,
自己已经模糊了这一条平衡线,
理性与感性的平衡失去了太久,
甚至到了一种我想要逃避的状态.

我一直都在给自己留下一个借口,一个后路,

往往把责任推向自己的志向 : 理科,

说是在理科路程上打滚了太久,

让自己在感性文理思想上渐渐退化,

谁都知道这是借口,

只不过这一个借口听起来非常值得接受,

我用这个借口蒙骗了别人,

同时也蒙骗了自己.

我一直以来都有这个习惯,

通过言语举动去摸索一个人的思考模式,

对自己,对别人都不例外,

单方面的靠着理性思想,

往往都坚信着自己的判断,

却忘记了自己在感性世界的所留下的烙印: - 

"不要再眷恋于自己的【成就】，站在最高处，沉醉在自己的胜利里的人，永远都看不见其他的敌人，终于，趴在自己踩着的踏脚石上被【乱箭】射中，死去……"

采自于自己的部落格,

名为"接受"的文章,

是我在2011年5月12日记载下来的心情日记.

我时时都会警惕自己,

现在的我拥有的不是成就,也不是高峰,

而是旺盛的求知欲.

对我来说,

理性就正好代表着我不枯竭的求知欲,

感性象征着我对思考层次的研究.

对自己, 对别人,

我往往都会觉得,

以双者平衡的形式去探讨每一个聊天内容,

都会让我有着意外地收获.

正所谓的全面,

也许这也是其中一环,

全面思想的一环.

对于我,

每一分的成长,

间接性代表着一寸的伤痕,

也许就是因为我自己的这种性格,

无法停止思考的性格,

每一分每一秒都在思考各种不同的课题,

曾经都以感性角度出发的我,

已经不复存在,

渐渐演变成了理性喂中心的自己.

并不是说我在抗拒,

只是我在怀疑自己,

为什么我不能让自己有着两者平衡的成长?

既然都是伤疤,

站在两个立场上去观赏自己的伤疤,

就算是一致也好,

差异也好,

对我来说都是一种成长.

结果对我来说,

就是一种奢求.

过程对我来说,

就是一种承诺.

承诺自己要迈向结果,

不对结果抱着奢求.

我不希望自己每次被激发思考的时候,

都要得到结论.

我希望自己每次都可以达到,

理性感性,

两者共存.

与其强硬式的让自己定下结论,

不如圆滑的让下一个思考的泉源作为这个段落的结论.

就如我一直坚信的处女座性格,

对我来说,

"完美"就是坟墓,

是个没有进步空间的坟墓,

我讨厌,

同时我追求,

因为我需要,

我享受的是追求完美的"过程",

而不是达到完美的瞬间.

纵然知道是挂在遥远的天际,

无论怎么伸出双手也无法触碰的结局,

依然有着去追求的动力.

是理性, 也是感性.

我清楚地了解,

我需要追求的是什么,

我不需要去达成的是什么.

"我总觉得,我为我自己量身订做了一个战场..无论如何,伤的多深,失望多大..我对会为了自己制造的现在美丽的这一刻,预测中以后美丽的那一刻,披上盔甲,与自己内心最熟悉的丑陋,坚强战斗..

虽然,至今为止,我不觉得自己这种做法是对的..我很希望..有一个人,可以拉我一把,把我从战场中拉出来..不过,我还是会隐约感觉到,这种骗得过自己的美丽谎言,是有效的..我现在也许知道,在我建立与继续这场战场的时候,这美丽的幻影也许不再是谎言了.."

采自于我自己的部落格, 文章名为"战场".

"我覺得自己的平靜

就如充電式

需要不間斷的充電

當電池發出低電警告的時候

不充電的話, 就會斷電

結束-----

充電太久

會損壞電池

那種損壞

會累積

慢慢的

慢慢的

減少電池的生命

一直到

結束 ----- "

"充电式的平静" - 21 March 2012

"不过

战士并不一定是孤高的

而是说

不必去歌颂自己的胜利

不必为自己的战斗盖上华丽的效果

有觉悟的

为着一个清晰的理由奋战"

"荣誉" - 30 March 2012

"因为我也是一样

没有办法容忍自己的荣誉被玷污

被理想与责任压住自己

但是

我的荣誉

根本就不是什么正义

更不是什么自然规律的义务

而是简单的一种信念

长时间磨练出来的

努力的结晶

信念

被理想牵住自己

是愚蠢的

只不过

贯彻理想

就是

履行信念

那是一种不容玷污的荣誉"

"执着的贯彻, 谁说过就一定是正义?" - 26 April 2012

"不可以批评别人的梦想廉价 

那是因为

奇迹

本来就是因为不会发生

才会这样的被推崇

这样的被尊敬"

"长着一双翅膀的梦想" - 10 June 2012

"对我来说

是个简单而且深远的道理

我从来不会

因为别人的成功而颤动

也不会设想

为什么自己无法像他们一样

更加不会去考虑自己应该跟他们拥有着这样的水平

我无法认同[自命不凡]

因为

成功就是对自己承诺"

"平凡X平凡" - 21 October 2012

- Fantasy . Lockheart -

A day of memory, a start of change.

不要再眷恋于自己的【成就】，站在最高处，沉醉在自己的胜利里的人，永远都看不见其他的敌人，终于，趴在自己踩着的踏脚石上被【乱箭】射中，死去……

Le Friday.

Today is le TGIF,
for me it has another meaning,
it's WEEKEND BABES!
It's a lazy morning for me,
my alarm rang at 7.30am,
but I woke up at 10am.
Woke up lazily,
pats Melvin's head.
He's enjoying some kind of movie with earphones connected.
Went out together for breakfast,
not the first time,
yet officially the first time purposely go out together just for breakfast.
Hmm.. Why must I be so specify even in such small matter? God knows why.

Today is the day for me and my other course mates to submit our health report to the school's Health Unit.

I didn't have mine,

so I have to pay RM80.00 to do that medical checkup in school's Health Unit.

If I knew that it'll be so troublesome,

I would rather go and have this medical check up right earlier, before I enter.
Well, I've to go and some simple medical checkup on the spot,
while the rest I'll do other days.
The simple checkup includes : -
Blood Pressure Test
Heartbeat Rate Test
Blood Cholestrol and Glucose Level Test
Dental Check
after I pass through the first 2 checkups, I reached the blood sampling counter,
where they have to make a tiny "pore" on my finger to collect my blood sample,
I flashed out my left hand and put in on da table,
she poke my ring finger's finger tips for more than 3 times, yet blood is not flowing out,
and she claimed that it's because my hand is too rough (dafudge to this),
then she asked me to give her my right hand,
she did the same to my right hand's ring finger's finger tips as well,
but this time blood flows out successfully (thank God, I don't have to let her poke my finger for like 100 times just for that tiny amount of blood)
My Blood Glucose Level, if not mistaken is 5.7 (I forgot what is the unit),
while normal Glucose Level stated in the medical checkup card is <7 .1.="" p="">The moment I stand up and about to leave,
I feel everything spinning and I couldn't control my own feet,
yes, I fainted,
in front of all my course mates,
I fainted just because of this little blood test.
*facepalm*
After for like 30 minutes (nurse told me that it already passed 30 minutes since I taken to the wad by wheel chair)
*facepalm* I even being transported by a wheel chair,
I finally got up and proceed to dental checkup,
at least my teeth are all nice and clean -v-

Tonight is le UMT's Chinese Society's first meeting,

they considered it as an orientation,

for all first year chinese students like us.

They introduced us to their society's groups : -

下乡人

登升

海精灵 (Blue Rhythm)

太极

福利部

舞蹈组
I'm planning to go for Blue Rhythm's audition,
they're basically a group of people that loves music,
most of them forms live band.


-Fantasy . Lockheart-
I wanna go home.

Melvin le Vampire (edited by me) MUAHAHA

"Enjoy your university life" Erhem..?

I've been experiencing a totally different life in the past week.
Rather than staying with pillows and bear bear,
I'm now staying with crowd,
four people in such a tiny room.
There's a morning,
a raining morning,
that cup of tea on my hand is still streaming with water vapour,
such cold weather,
I'm siting on my own chair,
facing a tiny table,
hugging my own legs.
I'm certain, that I imagined this scene before,
where I'm staying at such a small place,
enjoying such small space,
feeling like protected,
looking at the rain fall,
listening to the rain drops on the roof.
Tiny but discrete,
small but realistic,
simple but I fought for it by my own hands.

I have a policy,

where I couldn't stop thinking,

I won't let myself stop thinking,

I don't want to.

I found out myself,

trying so hard to make sure myself learning,

every single moment here in the campus.

Trying to be wise,

trying to be matured.

Every single lecturer's words stimulates my mind,

in whatever way will do.

I always believe,

there's no useless lecture for me,

it's either I can extract Kerosene from the Crude Oil,

or just take it as it is when it's delivered.

Today,

Dr.Chee said something interesting (my Statistics for Chemists' lecuturer),

he said we're all like an empty glasses when we first entered the class,

but day after day,

when the lecture keeps on going,

we'll be filled up with water (knowledge),

but it's all depends on us,

whether to put lemon juice in it,

or simply adding ice cubes,

will make up different taste and flavour.

I found it interesting,

this concept left a deep impression inside my heart,

everyone differs in talent and point of view,

everyone's answer could be so unique and unexpected,

if I was to expect something,

I'm making a boundary,

where I couldn't get much knowledge poured into my glasses if so.

I'm not really an artistic people, 

not really a sentimental people as well,

at least I think I'm not.

However,

I did think a lot.

As one of the effort to achieve perfection,

but deep inside my heart,

I would never want to achieve it.

I don't know whether I've written something like this in my blog before or not,

I'll still write it again.

For me,

perfection is my policy, my goal,

I'll do my best,

train myself,

do whatever I could,

to achieve it,

chasing it just like it's my dream.

Ironically,

most of the scientists or science-biased people like me,

hates perfect.

Perfect in my mind equivalent to no more space for evolution,

no more changes to be implemented to make things better,

it would be a Doomsday to all of us.

To be precise,

I take "chasing perfection" as my policy and I enjoy it,

but not "perfection" itself.

Everyone is telling me to enjoy my university life,

well,

I seriously have to make my university life a bit enjoyable,

rather than stressing myself to think a lot than I used to,

walk alone and bares with lots of emotions inside my heart,

I need something to make me feel more balanced.

I followed my classmates to Night Market of Kuala Terengganu,

quite near to our campus,

it's only like 20 minutes walking,

and it's straight forward where we don't have to turn like mad deep into small village roads,

what we did was only walk along the street and we reach.

Not as large as Seri Petaling's Night Market,

but still considered okay-ish, in terms of size,
all I look for inside that Night Market
was only
FOOD!! MUAHAHAHAH
I bought : -
Malay Pancakes (?), where they put crashed peanuts, margarine and corns in tin on top of a grilled batter layer and they fold and cut it to serve.
Satays, for myself and my roommate Melvin, seriously Satay here costs only RM0.50 per stick, this is awesome, of course we can't have Satays without that nice peanut sauce.
Fried Chicken, although it's cheap, but sad to say that it tastes terrible, when I put it inside my mouth, what I feel and taste was only OIL and FAT.
Also Terengganu's well known processed fish cake, there are basically 2 ways they used to cook this processed fish cake,
one is by deep fry while another is by steam, I bought the one by steam because everyone is saying that it tastes better,
but seriously,
this well known thinggy,
was only so-so for me. - -

Tomorrow will be the end of my 2nd week here in UMT,

or 1st week of my classes.

Things are getting more and more into the style of my expectations,

in how I always expect my university to be.

There's no such thing as promise land,

there's no such thing as promised eternity,

but there's one thing,

I can promise to myself,

Never Give Up.

- Fantasy . Lockheart - 

Pokemon, Getto Daze~! <3 font="">