Nostalgic

Oh Hi,
I finally remember that
I've left my blog aside for more than 2 months,
it's all grassy and I think even there's mold. 

Semester Break,

2 months long,

a really long time, for rest,

but way never enough, for enjoy

Seriously,

I've done nothing other than gaming,

and stay in hospital.

Of course, cook, eat, sleep, watch movies too.

Most of the time, I game.

Sometimes it's really interesting,

or rather a miracle for me.

Gamers in front of each other's screen,

hang out together in a restaurant,

share the same table rather than sharing the same party in-game.

That feeling,

I don't know how to describe,

for me it's way beyond awesome,

it's too much for me to appreciate.

However,

just because something that precious comes to me,

I'm afraid,

I'm even more afraid of losing,

so I try not to put in too much of my emotions and care,

because I know other people don't.

Not as much as I did,

maybe.

But I couldn't afford losing anymore.

I've forgotten a lot,

sad things,

hard times,

and tears,

that I have during my school days in university.

But when I touches my keyboard with my screen loading with Blogspot.com

everything flashes back with such incredible speed,

that I hate to face.

Day after day,

I've never enough of gaming.

At the same time,

I never afraid to go back for my study,

because I appreciate those days where every single day counts,

every hour is precious.

I will not stop gaming,

nor will I stop moving forward.

Both kept me alive,

because of people I care,

is appreciating me.

Scrolling through YouTube channels,

suddenly an old video that I used to watch at Form 3,

pops out.

It's a piano soundtrack,

Final Fantasy X-2 : Eternity, Memories of Lightwaves.

A simple video,

that never get out of my mind until today.

There's so many videos in YouTube,

and there's always those "red people" videos in the "recommended in your country" channel,

none of them catch my eyes,

none of them stay in my mind more than a day.

What I'm trying to say is,

if something is powerful,

they don't need any other element,

to stand out.

For me,

music is one of them.

Final Fantasy is another.

When you combine Final Fantasy and Music,

what else can I ask for?

It's love.

Fantasy.Lockheart

- I'm ready, for another session of emo days -

我这个人，没有资格羡慕

我这个人
真的很过分
不看看自己
这副囧像
每天只会发呆
发牢骚
闲着
嫌这个 嫌那个

我到底

出自什么立场

来自什么心态

去羡慕别人什么都懂

明明

自己什么都不懂

根本是

咎由自取

在我付出比别人10倍的努力之前

我没有资格羡慕

我不知道

我是傻

还是

真的是个白痴

说话没有艺术

把自己这种

猪都不如的烂脑

拿去

与别人放在同一个天秤上

无法衡量

是预测之内的事情

只不过

在那之后的羡慕

和自卑感

根本就没有意义

因为我没有资格

我这个人很危险

脑子里

装的都不是好东西

阴险

邪恶

不怀好心

可是

我作噩梦的时候一样会怕

不顺心的时候一样会丧气

不开心的时候一样会流泪

心痛的时候一样会沮丧

累的时候一样会想依靠

不耐烦的时候一样会发脾气

我也是人

我也会有感情

只不过

我没有办法

把所有的一切

写在脸上

也没办法

卸下

这所有的一切

只能让留下来的音符

随着我的痛

静静的

在我耳边环绕

在我心里徘徊

继续留这

这一份

从来没有逝去过

紧跟着我

在人群中的寂寞

我实在是没有

资格

谈论这一切

但是

我也许还有资格

对自己发泄吧？

- Fantasy . Lockheart -

对不起， 我又发了脾气

我承认我自己的脾气不好
有时候我骂人
不一定是有心的
就算我真的存心讨厌你
骂你
不到一阵子
我就会心软了
后悔了
我也讨厌这样的自己
没有立场
没有主见
没有资格谈论
喜欢和讨厌

我承认我很不会说话

我说的话不是充满心机

就是带满刺

听进去不会好听

消化起来也不会愉悦

我不会刻意去挑中性词语

好让我说话的时候

别人听的舒服一些

我有在改进

我只是希望自己可以友善一点

不要那么的拽

一眼欠揍

可是身边就是充满着那么多

破坏我修养的人

跟我一样

一脸欠揍

只能说自己修行不够

有待加强

你知不知道

我对你发了脾气以后

一轮乱骂

不管是哪一个你

我都存心地反省

可是说出去的话

就犹如泼出去的水

我会说的越来越过分

不让自己下台

也只是因为

想要你给我一句

挽回的话

也因为我这种

发脾气不节制的性格

导致当时我失去了你

我不是冲动

只不过是想

发发脾气

让你挽回

这样而已

往往后悔的

就只有自己

除了懊悔

还是懊悔

可是我还是像个白痴一样

三番四次

一而再

再而三

永远不懂得改变的

再次对着

重要的人

发脾气

毫无节制

一轮喷火

不到1分钟

就后悔了

可是说什么也都无法挽回

感情细腻

对我来说

不是一种赐予

而是一种惩罚

惩罚我

过于细腻

甚至多心

用尽所有力气不是为我

那是为你

才这么做

嗯

我是真的

那么傻吗？

眼看前方

千千万万的

伤兵败将

依然紧握剑柄

颤抖着

因为手中挥舞的不是自己的梦想

而是别人的期待

就算单人匹马

砍下了千军万马

又有何意义？

到头来

剩下的

只是胜利

和陪伴胜利的一群

尸体

我累了

让我喘一喘气

好吗？

- Fantasy . Lockheart -

Once, I remember.

There's something inside me,
screaming with despair,
reaching out for help,
struggling to survive,
depleting everyday as I getting hurt over and over again,
sensitive,
sentimental.
It feels so familiar,
I think I remember its name,
once,
if I'm not mistaken,
it's once called as "My Heart".

Yes,

I admit,

I'm really a cheap bitch,

easily entertained,

never tired of being treated as a junk,

worth nothing but useful as a tool to some extent.

Seriously,

you're so disgusting,

and I'm so wrong in trusting you 

that you're not one of the typical bastards.

Acting like a dick,

smiling like a fucker as you desired something from me,

that I could help you get what you want?

Fuck off,

I'm pissed.

I can tell you,

I'm really that cheap,

but that doesn't mean you can treat me as cheap as I do.

If you think I'm annoying,

ignore me then.

You don't have to freaking tell everyone that I'm annoying,

and you're annoyed,

it's like oh-my-God-see-he-is-so-annoying,

as a man,

you sucks.

If you don't want to talk to you,

it's totally fine,

shut up and keep your head away,

you don't have to ask someone else to entertain me,

as if I'm begging you to give me respond.

Fuck No,

I'm NOT.

I don't need to be entertained,

I'm not your pet,

nor your secret admirer,

and never will be your sincere friend,

not after what you did to me.

Enough, is enough.

Once or twice is enough.

But, *voila*

history do repeats.

It repeats,

not until I feel tired,

but until I cannot even feel tired.

Yes,

I'm that sensitive,

few words are powerful enough to crush my mind.

Provided,

I care for what you've said and what will you say.

Well,

who else can I blame other than myself?

I'm this cheap,

and I have to stop barking and keep being cheap.

However,

at least I can't be,

not in front of you,

bastard.

- Fantasy . Lockheart -

Get up, bitch, don't lose your pride.

Where is God?

Not trying to be religious,
but I just wanna ask,
Where is God?
There's no way out for me.

To be honest,

I don't really believe in God,

an existence that surpass everything in this universe,

for me,

everything in this universe including me and my actions,

are by logic,

but not something,

that I can never control nor understand,

I might sound self-centered,

but it's the truth.

However,

at some time,

especially when I'm alone,

especially when I try to create my own logic,

especially when my own action match nothing with my action,

especially when I'm thinking of you.

I wonder,

where is God?

can you please.. tell me why,

and where should I proceed.

Shivering in sorrow,

seeking for nothing,

forgot about my own voice,

my voice of joyfulness.

Even thinking of you,

hearing your voice,

makes me pain.

A great scar in my heart,

that didn't cure,

even until now.

Fantasy . Lockheart

- I'm trying to seek for a reason, but it just does not exist even in my own fantasy -

刺痛，比什么感觉都还要辛苦的刺痛

即使是在忙，

即使戴上耳机，

即使决定无视一切，

还是会无意间想起你，

你的声音，

笑容，

动作，

温柔。

每一次的回想，

都好比是一把利刃，

干净利落的，

直接在我的心上划上一刀，

重复的，

在同一个伤口，

慢慢地撕裂。

我颤抖着，

内心嘶吼着，

却怎么也无法摆脱这种可怕的感觉。

如果牺牲可以让我不再有这样的感觉，

不再渴望，

不再回想，

那么我愿意，

无论牺牲的是什么。

在我心里存活的只剩下仇恨，

而我也不打算舍去这一份仇恨，

更加不可能化解，

正是这份痛苦，

这种仇恨，

告诉了我还活着，

我还有我必须要做的事情。

只要你还在，

就好了，

天真的认为，

只要我自己这么认为，

其他的什么都不重要，

到头来只是发现，

连抬头观望天空，

都感觉到你的气息，

在意的，

就来要疯掉了。

If you're not next to me, even the meanings will pass through me

Even if the endless sadness robs you away.

Words for filling the distance too far between us can't be found 

Don't forget when you thought "Goodbye" was a lie in those days 
While we passed each other along, the sky you saw alone and your dreams
They remain as if still on that day, nothing changes 
Inside of you now and forever

- Fantasy Lockheart -

LIE.

I'm not the one to tell people, sleep more.

Seriously,
I'm not the one that can tell people to sleep more.
I, myself need more sleep.

I wished I could have done more,

I didn't want to leave any regret,

I always wanted to do everything I can,

even if it squeeze out every single value out from me.

I will do.

My face breaking out because lack of sleep,

so do my mental strength,

and also my enthusiasm.

I'm dedicated,

but I don't know why I'm getting more and more incapable,

in coping,

in doing stuff.

Yet,

I cannot pursued myself to sleep more.

Every silent moment brings upon memories,

along with tears.

Errrrr

Just go and get more sleep,

bitch.

Fantasy . Lockheart

- do my best, to the best -