Thursday, March 9, 2017

"Get over it, grow up"

I've been constantly telling myself a few things these days.
"It's okay, effort on someone that doesn't care is nothing but mere annoy"
"Stop thinking on every single shit that aren't suppose to revolve in your head"
"Get over it, grow up"
The last one, the most.
I noticed I've always been trying to protect myself,
by setting a "way of communication" on every single one that pass by or stay in my mind,
more or less like a backup plan,
so I won't fuck things up,
because of my insecurity.

I wasted so much time and energy,
trying to make people stay,
instead of trying to actually let people stay,
one of my biggest issue,
I supposed that it's called "insecure" in general,
I'm extremely afraid of the feeling of being cast out or abandon,
physically or emotionally,
I tend to put on millions maybe billions of possibility,
when someone did something as simple as "didn't wanted to answer my question",
"is he mad?"
"am I hated?"
"he's not gonna talk to me anymore"
"why the fuck do I always fuck up everything"
"I shouldn't have talked"
"I should just fucking shut my pathetic mouth up"
"I'm not supposed to be with him?"
"mm I asking for too much?"
"what should I do?"
"crap, it's gonna be the end"
Hella annoying,
I know,
everything similar to that flashing in my mind for like sonic jet speed.
I supposed I'm old enough to not care anymore,
apparently I'm just a failed adult when it comes to emotion management.

I can be rational when I'm making decisions,
or handling situations,
but I cannot be rational when I'm trying to sort out my feelings,
everything seems so important,
I don't wanna lost any of them,
selfish and greedy it is.
I used to enjoy simple and clean melody instead,
but nowadays I've been opting for "noisier" things,
I supposed it's to find a place where I could hide,
to sort out my insecurity,
or simply to run away from what I'm afraid for awhile.

I'm not a philosopher,
and I got sick when someone tells me a whole chapter of philosophy,
but none of that reaches me,
it's nothing different with stuffing your own "rightful attitude" into someone else,
and says confidently "you should be okay by now, you're on the right track",
I don't like that.

Since very young age,
I've been a very close-up kind of person,
I don't usually reach out to people for a talk,
I don't usually reach out to people for help,
I don't usually reach out to people for consolation.
When I do,
it's a sign of I'm dying inside my heart,
and I'm sending S.O.S,
it's a "save me",
not "oh, hey, you should try to be like this instead".
I'm not the cool me that I used to be,
always standing on a 3rd person view,
even to my own emotions.
I wonder what changed me,
or rather who changed me.
I don't usually shed tears for no good reason,
in front of a people I ain't that close with,
I did and I wonder why.

I'm gonna be fine,
it's just like a periodic hit from emotion hammer,
or I would say it's a bomb this time,
I cared too much,
to a point that it's hurtful to even think of it.
Anyway it is,
I'm gonna be fine.

"It's gonna be fine, so do me"
I've been staying strong on the verge of crumble for all these years,
it's no big deal for more.
I have goals,
I have dreams,
I have chances,
but I don't have strength,
and I supposed it's something I should build,
instead of gain from someone or somewhere else.

Get over it, grow up.

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Unguarded Future

Will never get tired of Final Fantasy soundtrack,
especially the pure piano ones,
they're just too beautiful.
Once again,
I'm back to this,
Final Fantasy XIII-2 Lightning's Theme ~Unguarded Future~,
this piece of piano soundtrack,
perfectly conveys the message of the story,
portrays the anxiety of Lightning,
and notice near ending of the music,
there's a blend of Serah's theme into it,
showing Lightning's endless love and care to her sister.
The anxiety,
frustration of couldn't save my own family,
the emotions,
the fear,
the sorrow,
the responsibility,
the struggle,
it's the same,

as me.
Can I give a "bro-fist" to Lightning (Claire Farron),
and says "I feel you"?

Instead of escaping from the responsibilities,
or die immersing in guiltiness,
Lightning chose to stand up and keep fighting,
for every reason she can find,
which fits in the character that Square wanted to give to Lightning,

I'm indeed inspired by the courage she had shown,
but can I have the same courage to face all the upcoming uncertainties and challenges?
I doubt it.
I have near to zero confident to my own ability in
handling tough situations,
and remaining calm in great anxiety.
Tomorrow will be my product presentation,
although I didn't put much effort and expectation in it,
I can still feel the stress,
hence the anxiety.

Another messy last minute works, within 2 hours

I still have many things that I wanted to blog about,
but at the moment,
I'm tired as fuck,
it's 04:03AM now,
and tomorrow's presentation will be around 9AM,
and I have to setup everything at 8AM.
Good luck to myself,
stay strong ken min. 

-tired as fuck-