Am Tired,
mentally,
physically.
It's been a long time already,
since I've written my last blog post.
I've drafted some,
but posted nothing.
Partly because I didn't want to spoil my own blog with effortless random posts,
also because nothing inspires me to write more.
Partly also because the genius Wi-Fi connection in this hostel,
is just genius.
Every single lecturer asking us to access online e-learning portal to download notes and etc.
while the speed of the given Wi-Fi in this hostel is just..... *round of applause please*
I noticed myself being changed,
quite a lot.
Mentally,
physically.
I couldn't really tell what is changing,
yet I knew something did changed.
I feel it,
by observing myself,
observing how people around me judges me.
I told myself,
as being a "non-typical guy",
I shall always be prepared to get judged,
and Yes I did.
I'm prepared,
but No I don't,
I'm not what you expect I should be.
That's something special about me,
I have great control of my own emotion,
I hypnotize my mind greater than anyone could do to me,
I trick myself into following my path of thinking,
and I do creates my own emotion,
sometimes I even artificially creates "feelings",
and yes,
this is crazy.
Though I have such great control over myself,
I just could never completely lie to myself,
I can't prevent myself from thinking too much.
I've been tired,
tired of thinking everything like a round coin,
figured everything with no angle.
I refuse to lie,
I refuse to have great dreams,
I refuse to envy,
I refuse to motivate,
I refuse to trust,
I refuse to rely.
To all this extent, am I still considered as a "Typical" guy?
No
I have nothing that should be ticked in a check-list of a standard qualified guy,
Yes I knew it,
but I can't hypnotize myself to forget it.
I'm sorry that I'm not,
but this is the way I promised myself to live on,
so I just can't.
I realized my own change,
due to the great environment change,
dramatically.
People around me is so much different with I used to be,
I couldn't carry on with my own set of boundaries.
I've done so much I think I wouldn't,
I've did something I wouldn't even gave credit to,
why would I?
Am I just being desperate.......
to be accepted not as an alternative,
but as myself..?
I couldn't forgive myself,
If I was to go any further than this.
No more,
please.
Don't let me rise the flag of war,
I didn't want to declare any here,
because I'm tired.
Maybe sometimes,
I did hoped myself to be typical.
However,
it's me myself that chose to resist,
resist being such,
because I've been through,
all these great sadness,
where I couldn't bare myself to did any of it again,
of all course.
I'm disappointed,
so disappointed,
of all these types.
Thus, I would never allow,
never allow myself to fall into any of these,
never will.
Everyone has their great story "behind" them,
I'm not sure they're happy or proud of it or not.
I am.
I'm glad that everything like these happened to me,
at the same time I wish I was not chosen to been through all this,
just maybe I was not,
I will just be someone that a "someone" should be.
I know that you're hiding things
Using gentle words to shelter me
Your words were like a dream
But dreams could never fool me
Not that easily
I acted so distant then
Didn't say goodbye before you left
But I was listening
You'll fight your battles far from me
Far too easily
"Save your tears 'cause I'll come back"
I could hear that you whispered as you walked through that door
But still I swore to hide the pain when I turn back the pages
Shouting might have been the answer
What if I'd cried my eyes out and begged you not to depart?
But now I'm not afraid to say what's in my heart
Though a thousand words
Have never been spoken
They'll fly to you
Crossing over the time and distance holding you
Suspended on silver wings
And a thousand words
One thousand confessions
Will cradle you
Making all of the pain you feel seem far away
They'll hold you forever
The dream isn't over yet
Though I often say I can forget
I still relive that day
You've been there with me all the way
I still hear you say
"Wait for me, I’ll write you letters"
I could see how you stammered with your eyes to the floor
But still I swore to hide the doubt when I turn back the pages
Anger might have been the answer
What if I'd hung my head and said that I couldn't wait?
But now I'm strong enough to know it's not too late
'Cause a thousand words
Call out through the ages
They'll fly to you
Even though I can't see, I know they're reaching you
Suspended on silver wings
Oh, a thousand words
One thousand embraces
Will cradle you
Making all of your weary days seem far away
They'll hold you forever
Oh, a thousand words
Have never been spoken
They'll fly to you
They'll carry you home and back into my arms
Suspended on silver wings
And a thousand words
Call out through the ages
They'll cradle you
Turning all of the lonely years to only days
They'll hold you forever
A Thousand Words
Welcome back Ken Min,
-Fantasy.Lockheart-
