Please give me a drug, that can let me gradually forget you.

My heart whispered your name

But these thoughts of mine didn't reach you

The look of my beloved is now too far,

With closed eyes, floating in the night sky

Even now, those calm days when we laughed together

Are still warm in my heart.

The first light in the blue night glows

And that day’s brightness shines

It’s not possible to wipe your tears

This is where my hands only trembled

Now taking an endless journey alone

Just wandering with these tired legs

Even now, those wet days we warmly spent together

are still warm in my hand.

The moon’s light just quietly shines

On this rusted heart which still beats

The moon’s light in the blue night glows

And that day’s brightness shines

That is,

when things happened too fast.

I couldn't catch up,

mentally,

physically.

Insomnia haunted me for more than 3 months,

every single night is a melody of Treno for me.
There's two small notes in my phone's wall,
always telling me that
"hey, bitch you better get started"
"If you don't want that shitty CGPA falls on you, go and fucking study."
As a Virgo,
this kind of "motivation" works super well,
but consequences behind this efficiency are just as heavy as I've expected.

From what I understand,

my insomnia have various reasons.

Tension in academic achievement is one,

stress of being a bitch is another one.

I knew,

just like what others have told me,

I have a choice,

but to be precise,

it should be "I had a choice, once upon a time."

There's no way for me to back up anymore.

At least for now it is.

Do you ever know,

every single time when u talk with such soft voice,

it trembles my heart,

my rationality is telling me that you doesn't mean anything,

but my heart is leading me to a trap that I can never escape.

Do you ever know,

how many times when I'm thinking of you,

and you just suddenly popped out and shocked the fxck out of me,

yes, I'm guilty,

because I'm not supposed to think that much about you.

Do you ever know,

there's once I called you by another person's name,

but deep inside my heart I know that the two of you are not the same.

Do you ever know,

every single night, 

I just feel like throw my arms to your shoulder and cry like a child.

Do you ever know,

that scent of fragrance stimulated my memories too much,

until I'm totally a blank paper in front of you.

Do you ever know,

every time I stay beside you, 

things happen like Deja Vu.

Do you ever know,

I wished for nothing,

but to stop this ridiculous feeling,

and let me just hug you once and throw away every single emotion of me.

Whenever I walk back to my room,

I'll just have a random feeling that these feet does not belongs to me.

I'm not moving upon my own will,

so I do.

I don't have a choice,

it's the path I chose,

and it's my responsibility to uphold it.

Yes, I'm at the edge of assault.

One mistake and I shall fall.

I'm going to drop off from Den's List if I am to continue such study attitude,

no matter what it takes to me,

I'll even slap myself as to make myself study.

But why..?

I just need a feeling of home,

if I failed,

I gain nothing,

but I doesn't lose anything,

because after all I'm now holding nothing,

nothing to starts off,

nothing to lose as well.

June’s lies   and the truth in front of my eyes   are put away in sepia tones

Nestling close to one another,   warmth;   I don’t understand those things anymore

“You’ll be fine on your own… right?”   you said, forcing it upon me   and then you said goodbye

If it’s going to be that kind of consolation   then I should be tired of hearing it by now

Endlessly ringing;   the merciless memories   seem to have no intention of  forgiving me

If i close my eyes   they will only grow   surrounding me at a distance   you laugh

Will the rain   ever stop, I wonder?   For a pretty long time now   it’s been cold

Why does the rain   choose me?   Why does it choose me   who has nowhere to escape to?

Time intrudes   on the new morning   I finally found

The direction I face   is not the future   I kept chasing after the past

You, who gave me   a new start by your consolations   and the hateful   and cowardly me

It’s about time…   Fumbling,  my troubles spill down   my tired cheeks

Eyes that don’t want to know the past   and fingers that can wash it all away

Scars heal at a gentle pace;   at an unreachable distance     that seems to be within reach

Will the rain   ever stop, I wonder?   For a pretty long time now   it’s been cold

Why does the rain   choose me?   I wonder if it’s ok to let it cover me

The rain   keeps on falling today as well   knowing no end

While we   quietly   nestle together under the umbrella I hold

Yeah, I'll be fine at my own.

But still, will the rain ever stop..?

Someone just tell me everything now is a lie.

It's tiring for me,

but I just can't stop myself from thinking all these stuff.

It took almost everything away from me,

just to get up here.

I shall not give up,

until every single vein of me is being cut.

As long as my heart is pumping,

though I might just be a toy for you,

but it's my feeling,

my heart.

Oh, well and some random stuff happened this week.

The highlight of this week is that,

when I shout like crazy and did marathon in the middle of the road.

"One does not simply scream like a bitch on the street crowded with people, I do."

The story sounds like this,

once upon a time,

a little boy called ken min,

his only weakness is an animal with 8 legs - spider.

For God-damn reason, 

there's a freaking huge spider resting beside the road I usually take to reach my campus.

Normally, I'll just increase my sense of dangerous and kept my distance with that creature and done.

However, one day,

when le me walk together with le friends happily,

I still didn't forget to glaze at that creature,

so that I can never harm me,

but suddenly....

IT DROPPED OFF FROM IT'S SPIDER WEB AND MOVE TOWARDS THE CENTER OF THE STREET

"RUN FOR YOUR LIFE" << this thing appeared in my mind at the next moment,

and yes.. I ran like a bitch together with high pitched scream in front of tons of passengers that are using that route at that time.

- -

I'm now here,

waiting for something that is not going to happen,

how long would I still be here,

I don't know..

If I have a choice,

I'll not be here at the first place,

promises are made to be broken,

my heart is meant to be taken for granted.

I thought if I could just make myself tired to the max every day,

I'll fall asleep easily and I would not need to suffer by thinking of you.

I'm wrong,

it only makes me even more tired.

My heart is numbed,

so as my mind.

I couldn't differentiate what is wrong, what is right,

which should be appropriate, which should not be.

Decisions must be made all the time,

but I'm now so lost,

that I would forget what I did few minutes ago,

just like that,

vanished.

If my memories and my scars,

would just vanish like that.

It'll be perfect.

I'm afraid,

I really am,

I'm afraid of compete,

I'm afraid of oblivious,

I'm afraid of perfection,

I'm afraid of night,

I'm afraid of the mirror,

I'm afraid of facing myself.

Please just let me put an end to all these,

by forgiving,

not forgetting.

every Christmas meant a lot to me

Say hi to my university logo

Now,

this moment,

I'm still thinking of you.

Please,

save me.

- Fantasy . Lockheart -

sibeh long didn't update my blog edi LOL

折断的双翼, 毫无意义.

君の名前　心でつぶやいた

この僕の想いは　そこに届かないのに

今は遠い　愛しい面影が

この夜空に浮かぶ　瞳閉じても

ともに笑えてた　穏やかな日々が

心に　今も暖かく

月の明り　青い夜に光る

あの日々の輝き　照らし出すよに

君の涙　ぬぐうこともできず

この僕の両手は　ここで震えてるだけ

今は一人　終わりのない旅路

疲れたこの足で　さまようばかり

ともに過ごした日　触れた温もりが

この手に　今も暖かく

月の明り　ただ静かに照らす

錆びついたこの胸　かき乱すよに

月の明り　青い夜に光る

あの日々の輝き　照らし出すよに

2013年过去了,

以最适合我的方式过去,

在热闹人群中的寂静.

回首去年,

发生过的事情很多,

值得怀念的事情不少,

并没有刻骨铭心,

也没有轰轰烈烈,

留下来的依旧是无边的冷清,

不停的徘徊,

无限的回转.

我曾经说过我为自己量身订做了一个战场,

属于我自己本身的战场,

战场上没有美丽没有丑恶,

没有胜利没有败北,

没有伟大没有渺小,

有的只有存活和取决.

一点都没有改变,

至少我自己还是一样,

依然希望,

会有一个人,

把我从这理想的战场中拉出来.

胜利的高峰不是我的舞台,

王者的宝座不是我的期待.

一直以来都是这样.

我从来没有否认过我的敏感,

"你想太多了"我也听厌了,

我是在了解自己的前提下,

思想.

我不否认我的确想的很多,

是基于我成长的过程,

生存的条件,

就是这样.

我对所有的一切都分外的顾虑,

一个名字,

一个称呼,

一个动作,

一个微笑,

一句话,

足以摧毁我的一切.

承认软弱的这一份坚强,

承认天真的这一份温柔.

你的温柔,

对我来说是10倍的残酷.

也是我自己的命运中诞生的一种绝望,

就算燃尽双翼也要前进的绝望.

12月对我来说,

就是讽刺.

冬至, 圣诞.

应该是团圆和欢庆的两大季节,

至少对别人来说是这样没错.

对我来说,

就是添上一双折断的翅膀.

除了痛苦的无奈,

毫无意义.

我真的尽力了,

我投入,

我尽力的投入,

甚至为自己制造情绪.

吵着想吃汤圆,

吞进去的只是一颗一颗的回忆,

悔恨,

痛苦.

我没有拒绝朋友的邀请,

出席圣诞节庆祝活动,

就算是在房间里崩溃了一整天,

我还是收拾心情,

是我功夫不够,

我没办法完美的掩饰.

3年了,

3年确确实实的过去了,

在我心里的刮痕却没有消失的迹象,

一点都不打算逝去.

沉重的回忆,

挤满在那12月,

别人不刻意的几个动作,

几句话,

悄悄的撕裂我那份回忆的保护层.

被问到"你怎么了"的瞬间,

我的保护墙,

完全的被瓦解,

涌出来的情绪,

瞬间让我的精神状态崩溃.

如果你们,

或者你们之中的谁,

看见了,

我想跟你们说,

对不起.

我的精神世界,

我没有办法让你理解,

就把我当作一个无可救药的疯子,

就好了.

我没有要求的权利,

没有退路,

没有原谅.

我没有办法忍受,

尤其是在人群中的寂寞,

欢笑中的哭泣,

聚会中的冷清,

喜庆中的悲剧.

我不是一个勇敢的人,

我没有梦想,

没有希望.

留在我心里的,

只有理想,

和期望.

我并不是有意,

当个孤高的战士,

只不过是在我背后的责任,

我没有办法御下.

我的痛苦,

我的无奈,

我的挣扎,

就像是跨越时空的光波,

存在于另外一个层次,

我没有办法把他们立体化,

没有权利把他们瓦解.

空虚..?

不是的,

是一开始,

就并不存在任何可以被填满的容器.

这样的我,

应该被称作为,

虚无.

I am to make a wish,

as if I'm still granted the right to do so.

Let me be,

crave for warmth,

struggling in shadow.

Please do not,

unveil anything,

I have nothing left.

I planned myself,

even my emotion.

I've perfectly made myself plenty of "me",

none of them last.

I've been dealing with too much,

until I blurred the path to return.

There's no home,

nothing left.

Maybe I just,

never meant to belong.

Memories flooded my heart,

flushed out everything else.

I ain't gonna stay rational,

but at the same time,

I'm not yet there to give up.

I'm the one started up the war,

I'll not be the one standing up holding victory,

but I'll also not be the one bowing down crushing my own army.

I'm to make a wish,

let me uphold my path of perfection.

I sustained on chasing over it,

I enjoy the process.

At the same time,

perfection meant nothing to me,

nothing.

Perfection is just nothing left.

Just like oblivion.

Sign myself a contract,

never get hold by any promise.

The Christmas just passed,

yet another Christmas will still come.

I cannot be sure,

that I wouldn't screw up the upcoming one anymore.

I'm grateful,

I still have the right to be "myself",

I don't care whether it's a lie,

it's fine,

I have nothing left,

anymore.

-Fantasy.Lockheart-

Happy New Year everyone =)

特权

对我来说
喜欢就是一种特权
一种我不能够拥有的特权
我不知道怎么去喜欢
我害怕
我退缩
我无法了解
我也无法了解
为什么会有人
曾经为了喜欢
利用了我
彻底的搞垮了我的情绪
还可以
毫不在乎的
继续对我的残忍的温柔

对我来说

当我因为别人而感到幸福的时候

多少的幸福

就换来多少的恐惧

相等的罪恶

真心的觉得自己

可悲

想走出你控制的领域

却走近你安排的战局

我没有坚强的防备

也没有后路可以退

想逃离你布下的陷阱

却陷入了另一个困境

我没有决定输赢的勇气

也没有逃脱的幸运

我像是一颗棋

进退任由你决定

我不是你眼中唯一将领

却是不起眼的小兵

我像是一颗棋子

来去全不由自己

举手无回你从不曾犹豫

我却受控- 在你手里

- Fantasy . Lockheart -

Tired

Am Tired,
mentally,
physically.

It's been a long time already,

since I've written my last blog post.

I've drafted some,

but posted nothing.

Partly because I didn't want to spoil my own blog with effortless random posts,

also because nothing inspires me to write more.

Partly also because the genius Wi-Fi connection in this hostel,

is just genius.

Every single lecturer asking us to access online e-learning portal to download notes and etc.

while the speed of the given Wi-Fi in this hostel is just..... *round of applause please*

I noticed myself being changed,

quite a lot.

Mentally,

physically.

I couldn't really tell what is changing,

yet I knew something did changed.

I feel it,

by observing myself,

observing how people around me judges me.

I told myself,

as being a "non-typical guy",

I shall always be prepared to get judged,

and Yes I did.

I'm prepared,

but No I don't,

I'm not what you expect I should be.

That's something special about me,

I have great control of my own emotion,

I hypnotize my mind greater than anyone could do to me,

I trick myself into following my path of thinking,

and I do creates my own emotion,

sometimes I even artificially creates "feelings",

and yes,

this is crazy.

Though I have such great control over myself,

I just could never completely lie to myself,

I can't prevent myself from thinking too much.

I've been tired,

tired of thinking everything like a round coin,

figured everything with no angle.

I refuse to lie,

I refuse to have great dreams,

I refuse to envy,

I refuse to motivate,

I refuse to trust,

I refuse to rely.

To all this extent, am I still considered as a "Typical" guy?

No

I have nothing that should be ticked in a check-list of a standard qualified guy,

Yes I knew it,

but I can't hypnotize myself to forget it.

I'm sorry that I'm not,

but this is the way I promised myself to live on,

so I just can't.

I realized my own change,

due to the great environment change,

dramatically.

People around me is so much different with I used to be,

I couldn't carry on with my own set of boundaries.

I've done so much I think I wouldn't,

I've did something I wouldn't even gave credit to,

why would I?

Am I just being desperate.......

to be accepted not as an alternative,

but as myself..?

I couldn't forgive myself,

If I was to go any further than this.

No more,

please.

Don't let me rise the flag of war,

I didn't want to declare any here,

because I'm tired.

Maybe sometimes,

I did hoped myself to be typical.

However,

it's me myself that chose to resist,

resist being such,

because I've been through,

all these great sadness,

where I couldn't bare myself to did any of it again,

of all course.

I'm disappointed,

so disappointed,

of all these types.

Thus, I would never allow,

never allow myself to fall into any of these,

never will.

Everyone has their great story "behind" them,

I'm not sure they're happy or proud of it or not.

I am.

I'm glad that everything like these happened to me,

at the same time I wish I was not chosen to been through all this,

just maybe I was not, 

I will just be someone that a "someone" should be.

I know that you're hiding things 

Using gentle words to shelter me

Your words were like a dream

But dreams could never fool me

Not that easily

I acted so distant then

Didn't say goodbye before you left

But I was listening

You'll fight your battles far from me

Far too easily

"Save your tears 'cause I'll come back"

I could hear that you whispered as you walked through that door

But still I swore to hide the pain when I turn back the pages

Shouting might have been the answer

What if I'd cried my eyes out and begged you not to depart?

But now I'm not afraid to say what's in my heart

Though a thousand words

Have never been spoken

They'll fly to you

Crossing over the time and distance holding you

Suspended on silver wings

And a thousand words

One thousand confessions

Will cradle you

Making all of the pain you feel seem far away 

They'll hold you forever

The dream isn't over yet

Though I often say I can forget

I still relive that day

You've been there with me all the way

I still hear you say

"Wait for me, I’ll write you letters"

I could see how you stammered with your eyes to the floor

But still I swore to hide the doubt when I turn back the pages

Anger might have been the answer

What if I'd hung my head and said that I couldn't wait?

But now I'm strong enough to know it's not too late

'Cause a thousand words

Call out through the ages

They'll fly to you

Even though I can't see, I know they're reaching you

Suspended on silver wings

Oh, a thousand words

One thousand embraces

Will cradle you

Making all of your weary days seem far away

They'll hold you forever

Oh, a thousand words

Have never been spoken

They'll fly to you

They'll carry you home and back into my arms

Suspended on silver wings

And a thousand words

Call out through the ages

They'll cradle you

Turning all of the lonely years to only days

They'll hold you forever

A Thousand Words

Welcome back Ken Min,

-Fantasy.Lockheart-

Kawai xI Idea

Was planning to produce a blog post for days,
but couldn't come out with a good idea.
Everything happened too fast,
assignments, homework, studies and etc.

It's already the 3rd week I started my university life,

everyday is packed,

class class class class wash clothes class class class eat sleep.

However, I've slowly get used to this kind of living pattern,

and get closer to my course mates as well.

We share ideas, study, and sometimes eat together,

giving me a feel of living in a group.

For me is actually a very special and new feeling,

where I suppose to be uncomfortable with group living,

but I'm getting used and kinda feel satisfied with it.

Seriously,

what happened to me.

There's something my Analytic Chemistry lecturer said that impacts my heart,

"You all are young scientists, be creative and innovative".

Indeed, so many people gave a sense of "boring" or "complicated" to the studies of pure science, 

especially Chemistry.

I found it rather interesting and I tends to be creative when I have limited sources.

However, I need a greater and stronger foundation to discover more and to be innovative.

I'm actually glad that I got Pure Chemistry,

something that I'll definitely fight for.

There's some complicated feelings here in hostel,

I don't really hate it like I did 2 weeks ago,

and felt safe and familiar with this room.

Talking with Melvin till midnight,

laugh together,

sing together,

would it be something I lost long time ago and I got it back in this way?

God knows.

Tha'Nera Telezia

- Fantasy . Lockheart -

Wish you all the best of luck my friends,

to those friends that shattered apart, 

I miss you all.

Also to those friends that stay at KL,

I miss you all.

Rekri'Ato Meh

Guilty.

It's not the first time having this kind of feeling,
but this time it's much more intense than what I had before.
It's guiltiness,
strong and intense guiltiness.

I'm shouting how suffer I am,

but I forgot I'm the one that chose to came over.

I'm shouting how hard to survive,

but I forgot who goes through situations that are at least 10 times harder than I'm facing now.

I'm anxious because of no entertainment,

but I forgot who are the people that worrying me even trying their best to provide me such luxurious request of having entertainment here in the campus.

I'm guilty,

I shouldn't ask for so much.

Unconsciously,

I did,

again and again.

Why I never learn?

Why can't I just keep on track and don't ask for so much?

Stop complaining already, me.

They don't deserve to suffer much more than I do.

Don't only think about me,

please be selfish also sometimes,

think more about yourself rather than about me.

A simple message from me,

"Mommy, my money going to finish soon",

and very soon there's increase in amount of my bank account,

it's not great amount,

but enough for me to be happy, 

yet guilty.

I can imagine how tough they squeeze out that amount of money,

why can't I be more considerate and try to spend less?

Without a word,

they prepared what I desired.

Without a move,

they bought things I didn't expect.

Daddy,

Mommy,

Thank you for being so good to me.

Thank You is nothing but just a phrase,

everything you did are nicely kept inside my heart.

Maybe it's a small afford,

but I'll build up my very own small affords,

slowly and steadily,

do what I should do,

realise what I promised.

I Love You.

- Fantasy . Lockheart -

I never feel myself being privileged,

but now I think I am,

to have such awesome parents.

理性与感性, 平衡

突然发现,
自己已经模糊了这一条平衡线,
理性与感性的平衡失去了太久,
甚至到了一种我想要逃避的状态.

我一直都在给自己留下一个借口,一个后路,

往往把责任推向自己的志向 : 理科,

说是在理科路程上打滚了太久,

让自己在感性文理思想上渐渐退化,

谁都知道这是借口,

只不过这一个借口听起来非常值得接受,

我用这个借口蒙骗了别人,

同时也蒙骗了自己.

我一直以来都有这个习惯,

通过言语举动去摸索一个人的思考模式,

对自己,对别人都不例外,

单方面的靠着理性思想,

往往都坚信着自己的判断,

却忘记了自己在感性世界的所留下的烙印: - 

"不要再眷恋于自己的【成就】，站在最高处，沉醉在自己的胜利里的人，永远都看不见其他的敌人，终于，趴在自己踩着的踏脚石上被【乱箭】射中，死去……"

采自于自己的部落格,

名为"接受"的文章,

是我在2011年5月12日记载下来的心情日记.

我时时都会警惕自己,

现在的我拥有的不是成就,也不是高峰,

而是旺盛的求知欲.

对我来说,

理性就正好代表着我不枯竭的求知欲,

感性象征着我对思考层次的研究.

对自己, 对别人,

我往往都会觉得,

以双者平衡的形式去探讨每一个聊天内容,

都会让我有着意外地收获.

正所谓的全面,

也许这也是其中一环,

全面思想的一环.

对于我,

每一分的成长,

间接性代表着一寸的伤痕,

也许就是因为我自己的这种性格,

无法停止思考的性格,

每一分每一秒都在思考各种不同的课题,

曾经都以感性角度出发的我,

已经不复存在,

渐渐演变成了理性喂中心的自己.

并不是说我在抗拒,

只是我在怀疑自己,

为什么我不能让自己有着两者平衡的成长?

既然都是伤疤,

站在两个立场上去观赏自己的伤疤,

就算是一致也好,

差异也好,

对我来说都是一种成长.

结果对我来说,

就是一种奢求.

过程对我来说,

就是一种承诺.

承诺自己要迈向结果,

不对结果抱着奢求.

我不希望自己每次被激发思考的时候,

都要得到结论.

我希望自己每次都可以达到,

理性感性,

两者共存.

与其强硬式的让自己定下结论,

不如圆滑的让下一个思考的泉源作为这个段落的结论.

就如我一直坚信的处女座性格,

对我来说,

"完美"就是坟墓,

是个没有进步空间的坟墓,

我讨厌,

同时我追求,

因为我需要,

我享受的是追求完美的"过程",

而不是达到完美的瞬间.

纵然知道是挂在遥远的天际,

无论怎么伸出双手也无法触碰的结局,

依然有着去追求的动力.

是理性, 也是感性.

我清楚地了解,

我需要追求的是什么,

我不需要去达成的是什么.

"我总觉得,我为我自己量身订做了一个战场..无论如何,伤的多深,失望多大..我对会为了自己制造的现在美丽的这一刻,预测中以后美丽的那一刻,披上盔甲,与自己内心最熟悉的丑陋,坚强战斗..

虽然,至今为止,我不觉得自己这种做法是对的..我很希望..有一个人,可以拉我一把,把我从战场中拉出来..不过,我还是会隐约感觉到,这种骗得过自己的美丽谎言,是有效的..我现在也许知道,在我建立与继续这场战场的时候,这美丽的幻影也许不再是谎言了.."

采自于我自己的部落格, 文章名为"战场".

"我覺得自己的平靜

就如充電式

需要不間斷的充電

當電池發出低電警告的時候

不充電的話, 就會斷電

結束-----

充電太久

會損壞電池

那種損壞

會累積

慢慢的

慢慢的

減少電池的生命

一直到

結束 ----- "

"充电式的平静" - 21 March 2012

"不过

战士并不一定是孤高的

而是说

不必去歌颂自己的胜利

不必为自己的战斗盖上华丽的效果

有觉悟的

为着一个清晰的理由奋战"

"荣誉" - 30 March 2012

"因为我也是一样

没有办法容忍自己的荣誉被玷污

被理想与责任压住自己

但是

我的荣誉

根本就不是什么正义

更不是什么自然规律的义务

而是简单的一种信念

长时间磨练出来的

努力的结晶

信念

被理想牵住自己

是愚蠢的

只不过

贯彻理想

就是

履行信念

那是一种不容玷污的荣誉"

"执着的贯彻, 谁说过就一定是正义?" - 26 April 2012

"不可以批评别人的梦想廉价 

那是因为

奇迹

本来就是因为不会发生

才会这样的被推崇

这样的被尊敬"

"长着一双翅膀的梦想" - 10 June 2012

"对我来说

是个简单而且深远的道理

我从来不会

因为别人的成功而颤动

也不会设想

为什么自己无法像他们一样

更加不会去考虑自己应该跟他们拥有着这样的水平

我无法认同[自命不凡]

因为

成功就是对自己承诺"

"平凡X平凡" - 21 October 2012

- Fantasy . Lockheart -

A day of memory, a start of change.

不要再眷恋于自己的【成就】，站在最高处，沉醉在自己的胜利里的人，永远都看不见其他的敌人，终于，趴在自己踩着的踏脚石上被【乱箭】射中，死去……