Once, I remember.

There's something inside me,
screaming with despair,
reaching out for help,
struggling to survive,
depleting everyday as I getting hurt over and over again,
sensitive,
sentimental.
It feels so familiar,
I think I remember its name,
once,
if I'm not mistaken,
it's once called as "My Heart".

Yes,

I admit,

I'm really a cheap bitch,

easily entertained,

never tired of being treated as a junk,

worth nothing but useful as a tool to some extent.

Seriously,

you're so disgusting,

and I'm so wrong in trusting you 

that you're not one of the typical bastards.

Acting like a dick,

smiling like a fucker as you desired something from me,

that I could help you get what you want?

Fuck off,

I'm pissed.

I can tell you,

I'm really that cheap,

but that doesn't mean you can treat me as cheap as I do.

If you think I'm annoying,

ignore me then.

You don't have to freaking tell everyone that I'm annoying,

and you're annoyed,

it's like oh-my-God-see-he-is-so-annoying,

as a man,

you sucks.

If you don't want to talk to you,

it's totally fine,

shut up and keep your head away,

you don't have to ask someone else to entertain me,

as if I'm begging you to give me respond.

Fuck No,

I'm NOT.

I don't need to be entertained,

I'm not your pet,

nor your secret admirer,

and never will be your sincere friend,

not after what you did to me.

Enough, is enough.

Once or twice is enough.

But, *voila*

history do repeats.

It repeats,

not until I feel tired,

but until I cannot even feel tired.

Yes,

I'm that sensitive,

few words are powerful enough to crush my mind.

Provided,

I care for what you've said and what will you say.

Well,

who else can I blame other than myself?

I'm this cheap,

and I have to stop barking and keep being cheap.

However,

at least I can't be,

not in front of you,

bastard.

- Fantasy . Lockheart -

Get up, bitch, don't lose your pride.

Where is God?

Not trying to be religious,
but I just wanna ask,
Where is God?
There's no way out for me.

To be honest,

I don't really believe in God,

an existence that surpass everything in this universe,

for me,

everything in this universe including me and my actions,

are by logic,

but not something,

that I can never control nor understand,

I might sound self-centered,

but it's the truth.

However,

at some time,

especially when I'm alone,

especially when I try to create my own logic,

especially when my own action match nothing with my action,

especially when I'm thinking of you.

I wonder,

where is God?

can you please.. tell me why,

and where should I proceed.

Shivering in sorrow,

seeking for nothing,

forgot about my own voice,

my voice of joyfulness.

Even thinking of you,

hearing your voice,

makes me pain.

A great scar in my heart,

that didn't cure,

even until now.

Fantasy . Lockheart

- I'm trying to seek for a reason, but it just does not exist even in my own fantasy -

刺痛，比什么感觉都还要辛苦的刺痛

即使是在忙，

即使戴上耳机，

即使决定无视一切，

还是会无意间想起你，

你的声音，

笑容，

动作，

温柔。

每一次的回想，

都好比是一把利刃，

干净利落的，

直接在我的心上划上一刀，

重复的，

在同一个伤口，

慢慢地撕裂。

我颤抖着，

内心嘶吼着，

却怎么也无法摆脱这种可怕的感觉。

如果牺牲可以让我不再有这样的感觉，

不再渴望，

不再回想，

那么我愿意，

无论牺牲的是什么。

在我心里存活的只剩下仇恨，

而我也不打算舍去这一份仇恨，

更加不可能化解，

正是这份痛苦，

这种仇恨，

告诉了我还活着，

我还有我必须要做的事情。

只要你还在，

就好了，

天真的认为，

只要我自己这么认为，

其他的什么都不重要，

到头来只是发现，

连抬头观望天空，

都感觉到你的气息，

在意的，

就来要疯掉了。

If you're not next to me, even the meanings will pass through me

Even if the endless sadness robs you away.

Words for filling the distance too far between us can't be found 

Don't forget when you thought "Goodbye" was a lie in those days 
While we passed each other along, the sky you saw alone and your dreams
They remain as if still on that day, nothing changes 
Inside of you now and forever

- Fantasy Lockheart -

LIE.

I'm not the one to tell people, sleep more.

Seriously,
I'm not the one that can tell people to sleep more.
I, myself need more sleep.

I wished I could have done more,

I didn't want to leave any regret,

I always wanted to do everything I can,

even if it squeeze out every single value out from me.

I will do.

My face breaking out because lack of sleep,

so do my mental strength,

and also my enthusiasm.

I'm dedicated,

but I don't know why I'm getting more and more incapable,

in coping,

in doing stuff.

Yet,

I cannot pursued myself to sleep more.

Every silent moment brings upon memories,

along with tears.

Errrrr

Just go and get more sleep,

bitch.

Fantasy . Lockheart

- do my best, to the best -

Forgiving a smile.

A smile,
a sinful smile,
stole everything away deep inside my heart.
I don't meant to be useless,
but I don't deserve any apologise.
There's nothing I did,
although I could,
but I can't.

It's so hard to believe,

I turn out to be nothing more than a piece of giant junk,

when everyone is becoming crucial in such important time.

Yes,

nothing more than a great lump of rubbish,

that's me.

I will not long for a safety zone,

neither will I seek for shelter.

However,

I'm just that helpless,

that hopeless,

where I can do nothing other than wishing to get helped.

I knew you are special.

Every single smile of you reflects my sin,

every single tear of you reflects my uselessness.

I'm not brave enough to even talk to you at such time,

to express my feeling.

I wanted to say "I'll be here with you, always will do",

especially when I sense the feeling of that helpless,

from you,

from the way you lie on the steering,

lightly pass on time with emotions.

Grieving.

Yet,

you're still worrying about me?

You don't know how hard I pray for you inside my heart,

yes, you, for you.

I rather the one that takes over these stress to be me,

straining myself,

in hope that it will not returns to you.

There's no way for me to escape,

I don't deserve an exit,

I don't worth an apology.

Tracing back,

will only make me loathe myself even more.

I kept silence,

because until now,

besides laying my fingers on the keyboard for this blogpost,

I have no right to say anything.

Fantasy . Lockheart

- I'm the one to say sorry, after all, I just wanted everything good for you -

只要可以让我再笑一次

到底是从什么时候开始
微笑变成了我的工具
欢笑变成了我的武器
掩饰所用的工具
欺骗所用的武器
别人眼中的“救世主”
看在我眼里犹如恶魔
我也不想要自己的世界只有灰白
只不过我看过太多
“现实”推翻“常理”的事情
我也无法继续相信自己的双眼

被她问了一个奇怪的问题

“你知道我的梦想是什么吗？”

我不知道

“我只是想一家人齐齐整整一起吃顿饭”

那么

继续让他作为一个梦想吧

我实在没有那个信心去答应你

你叫我去找女朋友

我也没有那个信心去答应你

我对亲情失去信赖

我对爱情没有憧憬

一切都是因为

发生在我身上

看在我的眼里

这些都只是对我造成伤害的根源

我不介意你要求我这些

要求我那些

不要强迫我

再次去相信我不想相信的事情

我没有那个勇气

你对他的世界充满希望

可是你也要知道

我对他的世界不感兴趣

对自己的世界也没有期望

我只是想这样

活下去就好

我没有志气

我没有梦想

我没有方向

可是我知道我自己要什么

我只想继续维持自己的信念

活下去

属于我的

我会紧紧的

用尽全力去抓住

不属于我的

我不会眷恋

也不会强求

真的

只要可以让我

真正的

开心的

愉快的

毫无掩饰的

再笑一次

就好

- Fantasy . Lockheart -

事实的谎言

实在是时候
睁开我的双眼
看清自己对事实撒下的谎言
没错
你说的没错
我就是二奶命
我就是没有考试运
可是最近的我开始怀疑
甚至在巴士上
疯狂展开联想
直到醒觉时候经已泪流满面
“不一定是努力就会有结果”
这个事实道理很简单
简单的很残酷
我还记得有人和我说过
如果你确认自己努力过
却没有成果
那么就只有两个原因
1. 努力错了
2. 努力也没有用的
如果是其1
那么我还有机会修补
可是种种的事实
都告诉我
我属于其2

渐渐地

周围的事物

周围的人

都让我认清我的无能

处处不如人

一无是处

真的是时候认清自己的无能

是时候放下对自己的期待

撇清对自己的自信

丢下对自己的憧憬

捏碎对自己的希望

我实在是没有办法做到

降低对自己的要求

一向来

对自己的要求就是我的需要

我的宗旨

虽然我没有方向感

可是我很清楚我要的是什么

我也很清楚

我只有靠自己

没有依赖

没有期待

我时常告诉别人

“不要放弃”

为什么同样的东西

我无法套用在自己身上

在我真的很累的时候

“不要放弃”

这个东西

比浮云还要轻

She's Lightning,

Claire Farron,

combination of 

elegance,

brave,

strength,

and beauty.

Keep on going,

keep my chin high,

even until I fall in the endless darkness,

catch and find my light.

-Fantasy . Lockheart-