I've reach yet another stage of my life,
Degree studies.
Maybe I've rest and relaxed too much,
everything seems so tough now,
of course I never expect it to be simple though.
However,
seriously,
does it necessarily to be this tough?
Does it even worth it?
Making myself so cheap for this particular place,
just to earn that okay-ish degree in this okay-ish university?
God-knows-it.
I departed at 1st September 2013,
from my pretty home,
to Kuala Terengganu,
throwing in everything into my car,
pillows, bags, luggage and etc (food also),
with a last gaze on my Mr. Bear Bear,
I head out.
Going on a long journey,
an unknown journey,
to unveil the next mysterious chapter of my life.
Tons of expectations and imaginations running through my head,
I'm trying hard, so hard to cover my anxious,
I'm the one chosen this path,
I have the responsibility to carry on.
Those 80's songs are playing at a pretty loud volume,
all of them are my mom's precious collections,
she used to play them in the living room,
memories once again flushing through my head.
Primary school, secondary school, Pre-University,
and now heading to the first step of University life.
It's a long journey,
a journey to another state,
as well as a journey of my mind,
through memories,
and imaginations on my future.
After lost in a middle of no where and eventually being rescued by GPS,
we reached a "hotel"that called Hotel Seri Malaysia Kuala Terengganu,
just a place to rest before I head on UMT for registration.
I even forgot how to tie my necktie on the next morning,
morning of 2nd September 2013.
I know,
I'm not prepared,
physically and mentally,
I'm basically pushing myself to accept everything all of a sudden,
while before this I'm running away from myself all the time,
expecting everything to be fine.
I actually knew how worst can it goes,
but I refuse to project it into my mind,
I try to make everything seems fine,
and gastric pain is killing me everyday every single moment,
even now.
Head out to the highway,
it's a straight road right towards the campus.
The nearer I get,
the more anxious I am.
I'm acting calm while inside me is shouting :" please let me get away from here ".
Entering the campus,
things seems fine from outside,
and there's lots of people lining for registration also.
Now comes the part I most concern about,
I've seen whatever worst school before,
I don't really mind the place I study in,
I'm super concern about the place where I'll live in.
This hostel,
is making me furious,
every single corner is striking into my head,
imaginations shattered,
the worst does happened,
as a reality.
Tiny room for 4,
half door steel cupboard,
double-decker bed (with no staircase),
a narrow table and a chair.
Bathroom is literally a closed room with a pipe inside, nothing more.
The whole 2nd floor of this Block is sharing these 8 toilets and 8 shower rooms.
2 places for people to wash clothes.
Water boiler in room is not allowed.
I don't want to describe anymore,
it'll only make me more emotional.
The orientation week,
leave no impact on me,
why?
I fall sick,
at the 2nd week of orientation.
At this crucial beginning of hostel life,
I sick.
This is making everything even more tough now,
the water dispenser is spoiled as well,
everyone is asking me to drink more water,
yeah I know,
but how.
Fine,
It's all up to me right now,
I've to stand on my own feet,
in this kind of place,
where I have to squeeze inside the crowd to take a mere shower.
Being sardine-fied just because I wanted to wash my clothes.
I'm tired of this,
living with crowd is seriously not my style.
Together with such facilities and limited space.
Seriously, it sucks, so much.
I'm being mentally tortured as well as physically tortured.
When everyone in the room went out,
and I'm staying all alone,
my mind is all messed up,
too many stress rushed into my head at the same time,
I don't know how to handle,
I even gave up on thinking,
I feel like making my own brain stop working,
making myself stop breathing,
and end everything in such stupid way.
I couldn't,
because I can't even think anymore.
At least when someone's here,
I could calm down myself for awhile,
there's still people out there,
and people near to me still doing the same as I do,
might not feeling the same as I do,
at least they're experiencing the same situation as me,
might not be as emotional as me though.
Even the skies here seems different,
the air here smells different,
the water here tastes different.
I know it's my responsibility to adept to such difference,
get used and move on.
Realities are always much tougher than words and imaginations.
Memories of the happier days are making the current situation seems even tougher.
The only one that make me emotional now is music,
the only one that able to calm me now is also music.
You pressed inside my mind,
Since the day you came,
I knew you would be with me,
all the time we spent,
what we shared would surely,
warm enough to know you cared for me.
Light flushed through memories,
helps me walk my path,
I'll keep my head up high,
words and faith and love,
your strong gave me hope,
someday I'll find you in open arms.
- Fantasy.Lockheart -
I'm the one who made this choice,
I'm the one who responsible for this choice as well.
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| Mr Bear Bear |
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| Kuala Terengganu Chinese Street |
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