想念与距离

刚刚送走了2014年

开始了崭新的2015

说真的

我没有实感

就在考试期间

穿插着这样一个日子

真的没有

实感

虽然往年的倒数

也没有很有实感就是

细细的看回去

今年真的过的很快

我很谢谢2014年

我并没有留下任何的遗憾

我学会了

自己也可以过的很好的原理

可是有时候

只有自己一个人

真的很累

各种方面都很累

自由是用巨大的牺牲换取的

可是我没有选择

也没有选择的权利

今年的第一天没有下雨

可是出奇的冷

一切都还是一样

我还是在洗冷水澡的时候蹦蹦跳跳

还是洗完澡出来静静的跟自己说话1分钟

还是静静的想着

如果我不是这样一直一个人的

有多好

我不是想要一个人一直陪着我

我只是想要一个人告诉我

我可以把我的时间

安全的交给他

因为我没有保留

跟往常一样

我真的没有愿望

我没有梦想

没有特别想做什么

也没有特别不想做什么

我不是消极

只是不愿意面对自己

我没办法许下自己没有把握的承诺

我没办法看开自己没办法预测的未来

因为

各种人都在告诉我

我能相信的

只有自己双眼看见的事实

真的很羡慕你

能够坦率的面对自己的心情

没有保留的

不用隐瞒的

堂堂正正的

可是我没有这个资格

就连静静的在一边坐着

也是一种罪过

我不管在哪里

在什么时候

都格格不入

我没有值得被人珍惜的东西

也没有特别被人需要的性格

其实离开你并没有很远

甚至我觉得近的我很不能接受

我强忍

我坚韧

我真的不想出门

酒精顺利的砍掉了我的泪水

但是并不长久

不同的是

今年我洗的冷水澡是温的

满满的是自己的体温

滴下的是自己的血

流走的是自己的心

剩下的是一个躯壳

继续的跟自己说话

“你看，不是还好好的吗？”

加油，自己

我爱你

能不能从此就让我

不需要再遇见你？

各种形式都好

我真的很矛盾

我这种人到底是不是火星来的

最近

我放弃了好多东西

我放弃了尊严

我放弃了颜面

我放弃了理性

最后

我放弃了尝试

餐桌两边 黑咖啡冒着烟 曲折翻腾的弧线 模糊了双眼
妳习惯没变 手指头敲打着玻璃杯
一整夜 不曾看我一眼

那条项链 软弱摊在眼前 亲手系上的思念 被你放了线
空荡的胸前 是他准备要接手的世界
专程来告别 连再见都心不在焉

你在一公尺不到的面前 手拚命挥还是往下坠
眼神那么绝 冻结一切不让我挽回
我在一公尺之外的世界 一辈子回不了的原点
我这才发现 你离我有多么远

放我一条生路好吗

我已经没有东西可以抛弃了

求求你..

不要再

这样了

-Fantasy.Lockheart-

Happy New Year.

Merry Christmas, again, but not again.

Again,
it's 25th December,
Christmas.

Sorry to those who love this season,

I hate it,

deep from my heart.

But,

something changed,

rather than sulking in a corner alone,

I did something different this year.

I busy preparing present,

for someone,

named Julian.

He's my previous next door mate,

he's the one I talked to when I first reached UMT,

he's the one willing to listen to my shit at midnight,

he's the one helped me to take my key by climbing over balcony,

he's the one smile at me during my toughest time,

he's the one took me to hospital 12am midnight and wait beside me until 2am.

我真的不喜欢圣诞节，

完全没有好感，

每年的整个12月对我来说都不曾有过好事，

而坏事的高潮总在25日，

12月22日

我丢下怀念过去的自己，

花了几个小时在录音，

把自己的心情，

透过歌声传达，

唱得是自己的心，

听的是自己的泪。

12月23日

我丢下颓废的自己，

半夜独自在厨房，

轻轻的哼着熟悉的旋律，

静静的等着巧克力融化，

强忍着泪水，

做了一个自己不能吃的甜品，

因为我知道，

如果我做了一个自己吃的下去东西，

在25日当天，

笑着崩溃的会是我自己

很感激你的存在，

让我的圣诞节有了别的意义，

至少我忙的不是埋藏自己的情绪，

忙的是为你准备礼物。

All your words
Seem gentle in my dreams.
But they're lies
And I turn away.
You cheater.

You began a journey
Sensing roughness ahead.
It's strange.
Why do you fight alone?
You cheater.

"I'll come back."
Your voice passes me.
Memories grow.
But I'm tough.
Time that's returned
That got away.
I should have yelled don't go, with tears in my eyes
And now
I can't do a thing.

I cannot say
The 1000 words.
Faraway
To your back.
My words can't fly to you.

I cannot say
The 1000 words.
You're wounded
And I can't reach you.
I want to hold you.

The dream goes on
My feelings are for you.
That faraway day
That I want to forget.
You cheater.

"I'll write to you."
Your voice goes away.
Memories grow.
But I'm tough.
Time that's returned
That once left.
Was I to say I couldn't wait that long?
And now
I can't do a thing.

Can you hear it?
My 1000 words.
Reaching to
Your faded away back
On wings.

Can you hear it?
My 1000 words
Your tired back
They reach towards.
I want to hold you.

我真的很不喜欢圣诞节，

可是也许以后不会讨厌，

也说不定。=）

谢谢你，

生日快乐，

圣诞节快乐。

Link to my SoundCloud

It's yet another christmas,

but yet another memorable Christmas,

at least not in a bad way.

Things happened too fast recently,

I've spent most of my time alone,

I'm afraid,

I no longer understand how to feel,

existence.

Don't forget to keep on smiling.

-Fantasy.Lockheart-

Happy Christmas =3

Ranking?

Frequently,
I ask myself,
if there's a ranking system in everyone's heart,
would I even deserved to be ranked?
For sure,
my parents would include me in their ranking,
and I'm pretty sure I would be first or second in their ranking list.
It's meaningless in others mind,
but for me,
my position in someone's heart,
is like almost everything.

I'm a typical Virgo,

I don't make a lot of friends,

but if I do,

they will be the few,

where I share all my heart with,

I gave all my heart in,

but sometimes I can't help but wonders,

do I even matters,

even if I put everything to them,

do they even think of me,

or they do only when they feel like it.

I'm sensitive, I admit,

I always think so much that

sometimes I cannot understand myself,

but what can I do?

When you're holding a cup of warm tea in room,

all alone,

holding the only headphones that never tired of talking to me,

thinking of,

"If ever anyone would find me, if I just gone for nothing".

Afterwards,

I stand up as if nothing happened,

and smile for everyone I care,

I laugh,

I smile,

I cry,

I care,

I hurt,

I'm tired.

When Christmas is near,

there will never be good thing anyway,

if I ever have a chance,

I would hope I can cease to exist for this time.

I just hope,

you're here.

For so long,

I'm weak,

I stay strong for everyone I care,

but I don't know how to be strong for myself.

Collapse in middle of the night,

singing with tears flooding my eyes.

Even so,

I never give up caring,

I never give up smiling.

I hope my care,

can cure someone,

be someone's motivation.

It's so cold,

I cannot hold anymore,

getting freeze deep into heart,

maybe it's time for me to rest.

To stop caring so much,

to stop acting like they would ever put me into their hearts.

Please,

know your own position.

If there's really such ranking system,

I think I'm not even deserved to be ranked,

because I don't know how to be good,

I don't know how to stay close,

despite the fact that I willing to give away everything I could,

I'm just all alone.

Our shadows stretch out on the pavement 
As I walk in the twilight with you 
If we could be together like this forever 
Holding hands 
It's almost enough to make me cry 

The wind grows colder 
I can smell winter 
Soon the season will come to this town 
When I can get close to you 

This moment 
When the two of us cuddle up 
To gaze at the first snow flower of the year 
Is overflowing with happiness 

It's not dependence or weakness 
I just love you 
I thought so with all my heart 

I feel like when I'm with you 
I can overcome anything 
I pray that these days 
Will continue forever 

The wind rattled the window 
The night shakes you awake 
I will change any sorrow 
Into a smile 

The snow flowers fell 
Outside the window 
Unceasing 
And colored our town 
I realized that love means 
Wanting to do something 
For someone else 

If I should lose you 
I'll become a star and shine on you 
I'll be with you even on nights 
When your smile is wet with tears 

This moment 
When the two of us cuddle up 
To gaze at the first snow flower of the year 
Is overflowing with happiness 

It's not dependence or weakness 
I just want to be like this 
With you forever 
I can honestly think that now 

The pure white snow flowers 
Bury this town 
Softly drawing memories in our hearts 
Together forever with you...

I'll keep smiling,

until the day I cannot move anymore,

for all I care,

and maybe one day,

for myself.

-Fantasy.Lockheart-

Nostalgic

Oh Hi,
I finally remember that
I've left my blog aside for more than 2 months,
it's all grassy and I think even there's mold. 

Semester Break,

2 months long,

a really long time, for rest,

but way never enough, for enjoy

Seriously,

I've done nothing other than gaming,

and stay in hospital.

Of course, cook, eat, sleep, watch movies too.

Most of the time, I game.

Sometimes it's really interesting,

or rather a miracle for me.

Gamers in front of each other's screen,

hang out together in a restaurant,

share the same table rather than sharing the same party in-game.

That feeling,

I don't know how to describe,

for me it's way beyond awesome,

it's too much for me to appreciate.

However,

just because something that precious comes to me,

I'm afraid,

I'm even more afraid of losing,

so I try not to put in too much of my emotions and care,

because I know other people don't.

Not as much as I did,

maybe.

But I couldn't afford losing anymore.

I've forgotten a lot,

sad things,

hard times,

and tears,

that I have during my school days in university.

But when I touches my keyboard with my screen loading with Blogspot.com

everything flashes back with such incredible speed,

that I hate to face.

Day after day,

I've never enough of gaming.

At the same time,

I never afraid to go back for my study,

because I appreciate those days where every single day counts,

every hour is precious.

I will not stop gaming,

nor will I stop moving forward.

Both kept me alive,

because of people I care,

is appreciating me.

Scrolling through YouTube channels,

suddenly an old video that I used to watch at Form 3,

pops out.

It's a piano soundtrack,

Final Fantasy X-2 : Eternity, Memories of Lightwaves.

A simple video,

that never get out of my mind until today.

There's so many videos in YouTube,

and there's always those "red people" videos in the "recommended in your country" channel,

none of them catch my eyes,

none of them stay in my mind more than a day.

What I'm trying to say is,

if something is powerful,

they don't need any other element,

to stand out.

For me,

music is one of them.

Final Fantasy is another.

When you combine Final Fantasy and Music,

what else can I ask for?

It's love.

Fantasy.Lockheart

- I'm ready, for another session of emo days -

我这个人，没有资格羡慕

我这个人
真的很过分
不看看自己
这副囧像
每天只会发呆
发牢骚
闲着
嫌这个 嫌那个

我到底

出自什么立场

来自什么心态

去羡慕别人什么都懂

明明

自己什么都不懂

根本是

咎由自取

在我付出比别人10倍的努力之前

我没有资格羡慕

我不知道

我是傻

还是

真的是个白痴

说话没有艺术

把自己这种

猪都不如的烂脑

拿去

与别人放在同一个天秤上

无法衡量

是预测之内的事情

只不过

在那之后的羡慕

和自卑感

根本就没有意义

因为我没有资格

我这个人很危险

脑子里

装的都不是好东西

阴险

邪恶

不怀好心

可是

我作噩梦的时候一样会怕

不顺心的时候一样会丧气

不开心的时候一样会流泪

心痛的时候一样会沮丧

累的时候一样会想依靠

不耐烦的时候一样会发脾气

我也是人

我也会有感情

只不过

我没有办法

把所有的一切

写在脸上

也没办法

卸下

这所有的一切

只能让留下来的音符

随着我的痛

静静的

在我耳边环绕

在我心里徘徊

继续留这

这一份

从来没有逝去过

紧跟着我

在人群中的寂寞

我实在是没有

资格

谈论这一切

但是

我也许还有资格

对自己发泄吧？

- Fantasy . Lockheart -

对不起， 我又发了脾气

我承认我自己的脾气不好
有时候我骂人
不一定是有心的
就算我真的存心讨厌你
骂你
不到一阵子
我就会心软了
后悔了
我也讨厌这样的自己
没有立场
没有主见
没有资格谈论
喜欢和讨厌

我承认我很不会说话

我说的话不是充满心机

就是带满刺

听进去不会好听

消化起来也不会愉悦

我不会刻意去挑中性词语

好让我说话的时候

别人听的舒服一些

我有在改进

我只是希望自己可以友善一点

不要那么的拽

一眼欠揍

可是身边就是充满着那么多

破坏我修养的人

跟我一样

一脸欠揍

只能说自己修行不够

有待加强

你知不知道

我对你发了脾气以后

一轮乱骂

不管是哪一个你

我都存心地反省

可是说出去的话

就犹如泼出去的水

我会说的越来越过分

不让自己下台

也只是因为

想要你给我一句

挽回的话

也因为我这种

发脾气不节制的性格

导致当时我失去了你

我不是冲动

只不过是想

发发脾气

让你挽回

这样而已

往往后悔的

就只有自己

除了懊悔

还是懊悔

可是我还是像个白痴一样

三番四次

一而再

再而三

永远不懂得改变的

再次对着

重要的人

发脾气

毫无节制

一轮喷火

不到1分钟

就后悔了

可是说什么也都无法挽回

感情细腻

对我来说

不是一种赐予

而是一种惩罚

惩罚我

过于细腻

甚至多心

用尽所有力气不是为我

那是为你

才这么做

嗯

我是真的

那么傻吗？

眼看前方

千千万万的

伤兵败将

依然紧握剑柄

颤抖着

因为手中挥舞的不是自己的梦想

而是别人的期待

就算单人匹马

砍下了千军万马

又有何意义？

到头来

剩下的

只是胜利

和陪伴胜利的一群

尸体

我累了

让我喘一喘气

好吗？

- Fantasy . Lockheart -

Once, I remember.

There's something inside me,
screaming with despair,
reaching out for help,
struggling to survive,
depleting everyday as I getting hurt over and over again,
sensitive,
sentimental.
It feels so familiar,
I think I remember its name,
once,
if I'm not mistaken,
it's once called as "My Heart".

Yes,

I admit,

I'm really a cheap bitch,

easily entertained,

never tired of being treated as a junk,

worth nothing but useful as a tool to some extent.

Seriously,

you're so disgusting,

and I'm so wrong in trusting you 

that you're not one of the typical bastards.

Acting like a dick,

smiling like a fucker as you desired something from me,

that I could help you get what you want?

Fuck off,

I'm pissed.

I can tell you,

I'm really that cheap,

but that doesn't mean you can treat me as cheap as I do.

If you think I'm annoying,

ignore me then.

You don't have to freaking tell everyone that I'm annoying,

and you're annoyed,

it's like oh-my-God-see-he-is-so-annoying,

as a man,

you sucks.

If you don't want to talk to you,

it's totally fine,

shut up and keep your head away,

you don't have to ask someone else to entertain me,

as if I'm begging you to give me respond.

Fuck No,

I'm NOT.

I don't need to be entertained,

I'm not your pet,

nor your secret admirer,

and never will be your sincere friend,

not after what you did to me.

Enough, is enough.

Once or twice is enough.

But, *voila*

history do repeats.

It repeats,

not until I feel tired,

but until I cannot even feel tired.

Yes,

I'm that sensitive,

few words are powerful enough to crush my mind.

Provided,

I care for what you've said and what will you say.

Well,

who else can I blame other than myself?

I'm this cheap,

and I have to stop barking and keep being cheap.

However,

at least I can't be,

not in front of you,

bastard.

- Fantasy . Lockheart -

Get up, bitch, don't lose your pride.

Where is God?

Not trying to be religious,
but I just wanna ask,
Where is God?
There's no way out for me.

To be honest,

I don't really believe in God,

an existence that surpass everything in this universe,

for me,

everything in this universe including me and my actions,

are by logic,

but not something,

that I can never control nor understand,

I might sound self-centered,

but it's the truth.

However,

at some time,

especially when I'm alone,

especially when I try to create my own logic,

especially when my own action match nothing with my action,

especially when I'm thinking of you.

I wonder,

where is God?

can you please.. tell me why,

and where should I proceed.

Shivering in sorrow,

seeking for nothing,

forgot about my own voice,

my voice of joyfulness.

Even thinking of you,

hearing your voice,

makes me pain.

A great scar in my heart,

that didn't cure,

even until now.

Fantasy . Lockheart

- I'm trying to seek for a reason, but it just does not exist even in my own fantasy -

刺痛，比什么感觉都还要辛苦的刺痛

即使是在忙，

即使戴上耳机，

即使决定无视一切，

还是会无意间想起你，

你的声音，

笑容，

动作，

温柔。

每一次的回想，

都好比是一把利刃，

干净利落的，

直接在我的心上划上一刀，

重复的，

在同一个伤口，

慢慢地撕裂。

我颤抖着，

内心嘶吼着，

却怎么也无法摆脱这种可怕的感觉。

如果牺牲可以让我不再有这样的感觉，

不再渴望，

不再回想，

那么我愿意，

无论牺牲的是什么。

在我心里存活的只剩下仇恨，

而我也不打算舍去这一份仇恨，

更加不可能化解，

正是这份痛苦，

这种仇恨，

告诉了我还活着，

我还有我必须要做的事情。

只要你还在，

就好了，

天真的认为，

只要我自己这么认为，

其他的什么都不重要，

到头来只是发现，

连抬头观望天空，

都感觉到你的气息，

在意的，

就来要疯掉了。

If you're not next to me, even the meanings will pass through me

Even if the endless sadness robs you away.

Words for filling the distance too far between us can't be found 

Don't forget when you thought "Goodbye" was a lie in those days 
While we passed each other along, the sky you saw alone and your dreams
They remain as if still on that day, nothing changes 
Inside of you now and forever

- Fantasy Lockheart -

LIE.

I'm not the one to tell people, sleep more.

Seriously,
I'm not the one that can tell people to sleep more.
I, myself need more sleep.

I wished I could have done more,

I didn't want to leave any regret,

I always wanted to do everything I can,

even if it squeeze out every single value out from me.

I will do.

My face breaking out because lack of sleep,

so do my mental strength,

and also my enthusiasm.

I'm dedicated,

but I don't know why I'm getting more and more incapable,

in coping,

in doing stuff.

Yet,

I cannot pursued myself to sleep more.

Every silent moment brings upon memories,

along with tears.

Errrrr

Just go and get more sleep,

bitch.

Fantasy . Lockheart

- do my best, to the best -

Forgiving a smile.

A smile,
a sinful smile,
stole everything away deep inside my heart.
I don't meant to be useless,
but I don't deserve any apologise.
There's nothing I did,
although I could,
but I can't.

It's so hard to believe,

I turn out to be nothing more than a piece of giant junk,

when everyone is becoming crucial in such important time.

Yes,

nothing more than a great lump of rubbish,

that's me.

I will not long for a safety zone,

neither will I seek for shelter.

However,

I'm just that helpless,

that hopeless,

where I can do nothing other than wishing to get helped.

I knew you are special.

Every single smile of you reflects my sin,

every single tear of you reflects my uselessness.

I'm not brave enough to even talk to you at such time,

to express my feeling.

I wanted to say "I'll be here with you, always will do",

especially when I sense the feeling of that helpless,

from you,

from the way you lie on the steering,

lightly pass on time with emotions.

Grieving.

Yet,

you're still worrying about me?

You don't know how hard I pray for you inside my heart,

yes, you, for you.

I rather the one that takes over these stress to be me,

straining myself,

in hope that it will not returns to you.

There's no way for me to escape,

I don't deserve an exit,

I don't worth an apology.

Tracing back,

will only make me loathe myself even more.

I kept silence,

because until now,

besides laying my fingers on the keyboard for this blogpost,

I have no right to say anything.

Fantasy . Lockheart

- I'm the one to say sorry, after all, I just wanted everything good for you -

只要可以让我再笑一次

到底是从什么时候开始
微笑变成了我的工具
欢笑变成了我的武器
掩饰所用的工具
欺骗所用的武器
别人眼中的“救世主”
看在我眼里犹如恶魔
我也不想要自己的世界只有灰白
只不过我看过太多
“现实”推翻“常理”的事情
我也无法继续相信自己的双眼

被她问了一个奇怪的问题

“你知道我的梦想是什么吗？”

我不知道

“我只是想一家人齐齐整整一起吃顿饭”

那么

继续让他作为一个梦想吧

我实在没有那个信心去答应你

你叫我去找女朋友

我也没有那个信心去答应你

我对亲情失去信赖

我对爱情没有憧憬

一切都是因为

发生在我身上

看在我的眼里

这些都只是对我造成伤害的根源

我不介意你要求我这些

要求我那些

不要强迫我

再次去相信我不想相信的事情

我没有那个勇气

你对他的世界充满希望

可是你也要知道

我对他的世界不感兴趣

对自己的世界也没有期望

我只是想这样

活下去就好

我没有志气

我没有梦想

我没有方向

可是我知道我自己要什么

我只想继续维持自己的信念

活下去

属于我的

我会紧紧的

用尽全力去抓住

不属于我的

我不会眷恋

也不会强求

真的

只要可以让我

真正的

开心的

愉快的

毫无掩饰的

再笑一次

就好

- Fantasy . Lockheart -

事实的谎言

实在是时候
睁开我的双眼
看清自己对事实撒下的谎言
没错
你说的没错
我就是二奶命
我就是没有考试运
可是最近的我开始怀疑
甚至在巴士上
疯狂展开联想
直到醒觉时候经已泪流满面
“不一定是努力就会有结果”
这个事实道理很简单
简单的很残酷
我还记得有人和我说过
如果你确认自己努力过
却没有成果
那么就只有两个原因
1. 努力错了
2. 努力也没有用的
如果是其1
那么我还有机会修补
可是种种的事实
都告诉我
我属于其2

渐渐地

周围的事物

周围的人

都让我认清我的无能

处处不如人

一无是处

真的是时候认清自己的无能

是时候放下对自己的期待

撇清对自己的自信

丢下对自己的憧憬

捏碎对自己的希望

我实在是没有办法做到

降低对自己的要求

一向来

对自己的要求就是我的需要

我的宗旨

虽然我没有方向感

可是我很清楚我要的是什么

我也很清楚

我只有靠自己

没有依赖

没有期待

我时常告诉别人

“不要放弃”

为什么同样的东西

我无法套用在自己身上

在我真的很累的时候

“不要放弃”

这个东西

比浮云还要轻

She's Lightning,

Claire Farron,

combination of 

elegance,

brave,

strength,

and beauty.

Keep on going,

keep my chin high,

even until I fall in the endless darkness,

catch and find my light.

-Fantasy . Lockheart-